Believe believe believe

Sunday was difficult, I struggled to get out of bed for the first time in a long while, I awoke early feeling cold under my sweat drenched night clothes. My teeth chattering yet feeling the burn of another hormone flush. I couldn’t move, I just lay for hours alternating between hot and cold.

Something felt different today, I’m not as good as I have been, I feel tired and the thought of doing anything makes me quite exhausted.  It’s hard to explain how tiredness is today , it’s like I’m dragging a heavy invisible weight around with me, every now and then the weight gets snagged on something and I feel it’s holding me fast when all I want to do is to walk.

Just bringing the shopping in from the Tesco delivery knocked me for 6, I had to go and lay down to regather my strength.

I took the girls swimming, I didn’t feel like joining in, I sat in the viewing area consciously aware I was falling in and out of sleep, only wakened by a piercing scream from a child having fun or the shrill of the lifeguards whistle. I can’t tell you much only that they spent an hour in the water , with me struggling to watch from the sides. The combination of the heat from the steamy pool and my own hot flushes was difficult to cope with. I love spending time with the children but this time I wanted to just go home and lay down with no one to disturb me.

I can’t think like that, I’m fighting in my my mind, singing songs, thinking of jokes, anything to fight back against this horrible fatigue. My arms feel like jelly my legs like lead, I wonder if I wobble as I walk. Numbness and pain has returned to my right leg again, did I speak too soon.

Everyday can’t be a good day, let’s accept that, I try not to fight it, knowing that after swimming we are going out to visit relatives, something I want to do but at the same time the last thing I want to do. How am I going to cope with going back out again. It’s ridiculous really because any healthy person would wonder what the hell I’m going on about here. I can feel another wave of sweat running down my back as I wait for the session to end. I wonder if anyone has ever melted away, the thought has crossed my my mind. I’m fascinated as I watch rivulets of sweat running down my arms, I tell the pain in my right shin to do it’s best I can handle it, then it mysteriously goes away as if ashamed at being told off.

The afternoon at the brother in laws went surprisingly well for me, after the watching the girls swimming session I seemed to snap back out of what ever is snapped into on the morning.

Unfortunately Ella developed a migraine and spent all afternoon when we arrived in the bedroom being sick, poor girl, it was the strobing effect of the sunlight between the trees that set it off, I know how she feels and so does my wife, it seems only little Nieve escapes, luckily for us three they are rare about once or twice a year.

Monday I went back to work to do an assessment on a developing ambulance instructor, it’s great to feel like a part of the team again after so long being out of the loop.

I’ve said this before and will probably say it again we all have to feel a sense of purpose in our lives. We all need to feel self worth for what we are doing. Self worth is another powerful tool that we need as human beings to survive out there. Even cancer patients or more especially us cancer patients we need to give ourselves a sense of purpose because with out that it’s difficult. My purpose in life is to live , not just to survive but to live to feel the joy of living.

I’m working my way back to some kind of health, my walking is making me fitter in so many ways, learning Italian is another challenge I’ve taken up, the guitar is looking lonely and forlorn. I keep promising it I will pick it up, but end up forgetting and so it sits there gathering dust, I will pick it up soon, I think the mind needs to be in the right place. Learning Italian is easier I just log into an app, playing guitar means I’ve got to physically pick it up, it’s funny how just the act of physically picking up the guitar is difficult, the mind has to match the need and right now it’s not doing it, but don’t worry my trusty friend there will come a time when the mind says yes.

It’s now the middle of the week, energy has been difficult to find I think it’s because I’ve not walked much and that gives me energy, but I’m struggling to get that energy, I’m determined to walk today for a few km, it’s nothing to do with pain it’s all to do with energy and motivation.

I have to train my brain to stop thinking that every ache and pain is the cancer doing it’s worst. I’ve learned to tell myself it’s not a problem, I’m getting better, just have to believe it more but it’s difficult. I think I have to come away from this feeling that it’s a death sentence, that has crossed my mind a bit and I suppose it’s perfectly normal. Ok so it’s a death sentence we’ve all got to go sometime, except in this case the sentence hasnt been passed by the reaper and I need to just believe I’m on remand for good behaviour, which includes good living. The better the richness of my life becomes the longer the sentence of life becomes.

I would describe this week not as a rollercoaster ride with it’s fast and furious ups and downs , bit more like a merry go round, with its dips and rises, yes that it I’m on a merry go round, my mind is drifting gently from one state to another, day by day or even hour by hour. I’m clinging on just the same as a roller coaster but the speed is much much slower, almost like a slow motion dream that is mixed up with images and memories.

It hard to describe the ride that’s going on, like I’m in and out of a fuzzy day dream, as I seek always to become positive it’s like something it’s covering me in an invisible black cloak, I try to pull it down, it feels as light as a feather yet weighs a ton, I think I’m trying too hard, I’ll lay down for a while and let it drift off somewhere else.

I’m struggling a lot with controlling my body temperature from the drugs, I’m often freezing cold from sweating all night and the same in the day time I honestly don’t know what to wear, it’s difficult but it could be a lot worse I suppose. The thing is these little things add up I have to balance out the negatives by adding to the positive scale of life’s delicate balance. Every thing that has a positive attached to it erases the negatives just that little bit more. Smile Woody you are only as ill as you think you are♥️

I can feel that this week ive had a touch of the feeling sorry for me self kind of thing, I’m realising that’s what it is, the woe be mees. I watched the last episode of afterlife last night, it’s had a massive effect on me today. I’ve not lost somebody as Ricky Gervais so brilliantly portrays we are both in danger of losing us. Im still standing says Elton and I will survive says Gloria but I will live says me.

Right I’m off to do some living.

Untill the next time

Be kind be grateful and be positive.

Woody ❤️