Living on ADT therapy

It’s that time of the month for me again the PSA test and the hormone injection along with the daily enzultamide tablets all of which make my mind a kaleidoscope of mixed emotions. The PSA test I have started to dread more and more as recently my numbers are creeping up, it’s Christmas so for this month I don’t want to know the outcome in fact it’s the 2nd month in a row where I’m dodging the result for the sake of my mental health. If I’m told it’s risen further then bang goes a peaceful Christmas in my mind. Strangely I’m not pining for the test result, I’ve always said it is what is, some people say I’m brave not wanting to know I think I’m more of a coward not wanting to face up to the possible reality. For all I know my cancer could be marching through my body while I’m blissfully unaware and I’m sure someone will tell me if that’s the case, fingers crossed it’s not.

Living on ADT

Its been over two years on ADT (Androgen deprivation therapy) and according to the doctors I’ll be on it for the rest of my life.Do you know It’s a form of chemical castration, sounds nice😭. My oncologist said once, at the very beginning “Woody at least you have the kind cancer”, I get it in some ways but she’s not in my body watching it as it has slowly changed from being a normal bloke to seeing all my body hair fall out( although I now have more hair on my head than I have for years, every cloud eh😀) my short term memory is shot, fatigue is drowns me, my muscles are wasting, I have recently been told I have early onset of osteoporosis and I don’t even want to mention what’s going on down below. The emotions that contort and play tricks with me all the time are probably the worst part of it, kind it ain’t but alive I am.

ADT, as anyone who is on it will tell you is nasty, and that’s the kindest word I can chose. Nasty doesn’t really touch the sides it’s downright evil at times, horrid and scary. Yet despite that I’m so very very grateful that it exists because with out it I doubt I would be sitting in my bed typing this post and it’s not bad all of the time it’s just sometimes it can feel that way. So yes I have to think in the tough times just why I’m going through this treatment because the gift of life is a precious gift that has no equal. ADT for all its downs is a massive game changer in the quest to stay alive for as long as possible whilst living with stage four Prostate Cancer.

This month’s injection really attacked me for about 48 hours, it was a bad reaction, sometimes I get very little reaction after the injection this time I had fever and immense fatigue, on the 2nd night I literally crawled up the stairs to my bed, I didn’t have enough energy to take my boots off I just crashed out. The good thing is the next day I’m back to normal feeling ready to take the fight head on and beat this awful illness, I’m not ready to wave the white flag yet no matter how I feel.

Moving forward

I can’t let this illness corrupt my mind I’ve been blessed to get some help. It’s strange how I’ve spent the last 10 years or so giving advice to others and helping them through their own troubles yet when it comes to my own mental health I’ve discovered just how difficult it actually is to help myself. I thought all I needed to do was give myself the same advice that I gave others but it just doesn’t seem to work that way. I contacted the mind organisation it was recommended to me by my MacMillan helper. I was contacted a few days later and then had my first formal session chatting to a lovely lady from Wales. She has since sent me some things that I can use to charter my journey through the anxiety and fear of dealing with cancer. Anyone struggling should contact this amazing organisation it’s totally free of charge and is just brilliant. There is help out there you just have to be brave enough to ask for it. Asking for help is not weak, sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will just magically get better is weak and I’ve been doing that for too long. It doesn’t work or at least not for me. There is a time when you have to just admit you need a helping hand and there are plenty of people and organisations that are holding out their hands waiting for you to grasp it.

Things I’m working on!

Mind sent me some journals to fill in, one is all about my thoughts and feelings and the other one is a gratitude. It’s good to just write stuff down, seeing your thoughts suddenly on the paper is like taking ownership of them. The thoughts that at times uncontrollably spin around in my head have a resting place in my journal and I can see them for what they are. Thoughts steer us in life and if we are not paying attention they can run us off the road. Thoughts are like the rudder on a ship guiding us through stormy seas and calm waters. When you see your thoughts in front of you can chose to laugh at them and realise they are completely absurd and unreal at times and often never become the truth.

Take control

I think I now understand the importance of taking back control in your life and in particular in your mind. Sometimes my mind will just take off, it’s like a kite that’s broken free of its line and away it goes. It goes to place which are dark and forbidden, it creates thoughts I don’t want to have to think. I have to grab that string and reel it in and not just let it do what it wants. For me taking control was asking for help. I’m feeling now that I’ve go the string tightly in my hand I’m not about to let go of it. Cancer has a way of fighting with me to let go again but I’m refusing. I’m seeing the good in my life again, I’m not pretending it’s alright like I’ve done for too long I’m really feeling all right.

Keeping a purpose

ADT can suck the life out of you and challenge your mental resilience. It’s done it’s best to kick my resilience into non existence. I realise that coming to terms with the treatment needs to be balanced out with the purpose of fighting and keeping going. ADT can erode life’s purposes. The endless cycle of treatments and side effects can be at times very trying even to the strongest of us. Focusing on why I’m here and not giving up this fight is about looking for those good things that inspire and encourage. Inspiration is medicine, laughter is medicine, sunlight is medicine, nature is medicine, family and friends is medicine, there is so much out there to take. Sometimes when I’m feeling low and starting to feel I’m losing the fight I ask myself what is the point of being here. There are so many things that are good, each one that is focused on in my mind and payed attention to, builds my resilience and awareness. I’ve got hold of that string and I have so many reasons to fight to keep holding on. I have also come to realise that despite all the side effects I’ve been told that the ADT will stop working, just realising that makes me think more positively about the therapy and how it’s helping far more than hurting me. The day may come when it no longer works and then I’ll be sorry I’ve complained so much about it, so for now ADT I thank you🙏

My reasons for this post.

I have several reasons for sharing this post, my first is I hope it does some good to someone who is on this therapy or indeed any other therapy and having it rough. The 2nd this is a part of my own therapy and I feel better for putting it into words and letting it escape my mind.

Good luck to anyone on ADT, my three things I find powerful
Keep loving the world
Be grateful despite your situation
Be kind it costs nothing but
It makes a hell of a difference ❤️

Love Woody

Here is the link to the mind website it’s well worth a visit if you are struggling.

https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool/