Two years since my diagnosis

Its my 2 year cancerversary, I remember when I heard those words, “I’m sorry but you have cancer” a mixture of emotions, scared, no terrified, numb and disbelieving, “you can’t mean me, it must be someone else”

“How long have got was a question I just had to ask my oncologist”

“Worst case two years, best case five years” was the reply Back in sept 2021. I was in a total mess, my body was in a state. Back then I didn’t expect the two years so you can imagine my almost sense of relief  finding out I should  get at least two more years on this amazing planet. Two years seems like an eternity when its in front of you, now it seems it’s flown by at a frightening speed, when they say time flies they are right, when you have an incurable terminal illness it’s even worse, time really does fly, it’s like the sands in an egg timer of life just relentlessly flowing away.

It got worse, next after a prostate biopsy, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone  I found out it is a particularly agressive form of cancer nine out of ten on the gleeson scale, I guess the gleeson scale is like measuring earthquakes in peoples lives, the Richter scale of emotional devastation and or it could be even compared to a category five hurricane that tore into my life.

Now, fast forward to two years, yes im extremly grateful to have had those two years, those years in which my life has in many ways most profoundly been enriched, ive learned lessons about living, and not about the fear of dying, perhaps that will come. Ive learned to appreciate each waking day “carpe diem” 😀 Every single day ive spoken out loud of my gratitudes that I have in my life, ive realised its so fundamentally important to be thankful for what you have rather than regret what you don’t have. I believe now just how easy it is to fall prisoner in that life trap of always wanting more, striving for better, more money, more of everything.

How much value can I put upon the sunsets and sunrises I have been lucky to see, how much value can I put on the birds singing sweetly every day as I walk to my car to drive to work. In truth they are priceless, as is the smiles and laughter of my kids as they grow every faster to adulthood. The strongest potion of magic is what’s needed for me from my universe to see my children growing up, leaving school and starting lives as wonderful people in a brave world of universities and job finding. How much of that magic potion I get is in the hands of the universe. That magical potion that people with out cancer may chose to call life.

Today I had one of those days where im feeling good, hard to explain it just I get those days where everything just seems ok in my world. The sky was blue the sun warm. That lovely blanket of warmth. Even my body is quiet, no sudden jags of pain that come and go, often when im least expecting them and take me off guard and make me almost cry out, nope none of them for a short while now. Sometimes at work when im climbing in or out of my ambulance I forget to take care and im immediately reminded that there are areas in my body where im still very  unwell but those little short sharp reminders are becoming fewer and fewer. The cancer for now seems to be in retreat, im not quite sure if I can boldly state im in remission because there are still areas where its living but not spreading and in almost all cases its getting smaller. The last count was three fractures in my back all slowly mending themselves. My oncologist tells me it will never completely go away, this type of aggressive cancer wont give up but then again neither will I.

The last two months has seen a slight rise in my PSA levels, this is often a sign that the cancer has become resistant to the treatment, I’ve been told that day will come. Incurable has been my diagnosis, I refuse to accept that. Nothing is incurable there is always a chance, one in a million is a chance. I heard someone talking recently at a Prostate Cancer walk how he was diagnosed 20 years ago with incurable cancer, its amazing to seek out these stories, I believe the more I fill my head with these positive stories that people share the more my body listens.

Two years ago I thought my career was over, terrified I would be unable to go back to work again teaching people to drive ambulances, since then I must have helped quite a number to gain their blue light qualification something that feels me with pride and gratitude, its an honour to teach such amazing students month after month, I must also say my thanks to my boss  for believing in me, that I would be able to return to my role seemed impossible two years ago.

I guess ive done pretty well and I can say with great fortitude that the mind can over come no matter what the odds are and how steep the mountain is to climb. Belief in something is vital, it doesnt have to have a name, I believe in the force of life, the universe, call it what you will. There will often be dark stormy clouds but underneath the blue sky is always there you just have to teach yourself to believe it. When things are at their worst there is still hope, it comes in your next thought. If there appears to be no hope, you have to just change your thoughts. I realised that a while ago, my life was being led a mery dance depending on what thoughts I was constructing in my head. Good days always came after good thoughts, bad days always followed bad thoughts, it was never the other way around.

Heres to another two years (at least) 🍷

Dont ever give up, follow your dreams and never let anyone tell you you cant do something. Miracles happen more frequently than we think..

Love Woody❤️