Why you must ask for help

Apologies, it’s been a while. The truth is I’ve been struggling to find both the words and the energy to write. It sounds strange to think that just typing up a blog is too much like hard work but that’s the effect that fatigue caused by my cancer and the various treatments unfortunately has on me sometimes, but luckily not always.

Over the last couple of months I’ve slipped slowly into a not so good place. It’s been no coincidence that my blood tests have revealed a rising all be it every so slowly of my PSA level. This is a red flag that’s blowing in the wind of my health that says hey Woody watch out you are in trouble my friend. In the world of prostate cancer it’s a sign that the cancer has out witted the treatment and has become resistant to it. This is the stuff of nightmares and broken hopes and promises of life. Yet I know that a lot of this is not just what’s happening to me but instead it’s the way I’m dealing with it.

But I really shouldn’t be surprised my oncologist has never stopped warning me of this situation but after two years and getting the almost all clear just a few months ago its still a slap in the face of all I hold dear. Not just to have to contend with this but I also have the double whammy of the disease osteoporosis starting to creep into my bones. I feel it lately in my legs or is it just in my mind.

I do know if I expect pain I’ll get pain whether it’s real or not. The mind has this power to do that, to create illusions of pain just because I am waiting for it. The mind is like a faithful servant to the body it obeys what ever I tell it. I’ve simply been telling my mind the negatives instead of the positives.

This situation has invaded my thoughts, I don’t feel safe it’s like it’s just waiting in the shadows to hurt and attack. The thoughts multiply and before I know it they morph into feelings that are so real. They creep into my consciousness and are unwelcome and dark. It is at times such as these where I’ve recognised I can’t brave it out or pretend everything is ok and it’s time to ask for help.

Time to ask for help

Lately it’s got more difficult controlling my thoughts. I’ve been quite good at it but this new wave of attack from the cancer has hit hard. I’ve also had to contend with blunders and general what I feel lack of empathy from the people supposedly looking after me. My NHS has let me down in recent months. Blood tests that are scary enough as it is waiting for the results have had to be redone because someone has misplaced them, not once but two months in a row. It’s torturous enough waiting to see the results, yet alone having it all delayed because of errors. I also sent a clear email asking for help from my oncologist that needed a second attempt only to be told after two weeks that she is on study leave, come on NHS you can do better than this.🙏💙

There comes a time when no matter how positive I try to be it just seems I’m drowning and that’s the time to ask for help. Sometimes you can’t keep fighting by yourself and you have to put aside feelings of weakness🫢 and thoughts of losing and do the thing that’s right for you and that is to ask for help. It’s not weak in fact it’s a seriously brave thing to do, it’s more courageous to ask for help rather than just burying your head in the sand and hoping the bad thoughts will go away by themselves. 🤬

It surprised me that it’s taken two years to suddenly find myself reaching out for help. I thought I had it under control but this cancer starts to take over the mind if allowed, although I don’t remember giving it permission it just one day started to really eat away at my mind. It was starving and I was at a place where I became an all you can eat buffet for cancer thoughts. 🤔

Once it started it wouldn’t stop even sleep was disrupted with horrible stories that appeared as nightmares and left me waking up frightened and in a pool of anxiousness. The middle of the night when it’s dark and silent and there’s no one to talk to except yourself and the conversation ain’t a nice one 😔

That was last week and things have got better I’m pleased to say. I’ve enrolled on to something called HOPE which is an online program for people struggling with their mental health. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just admitting to someone that I’m in need of help. I’ve realised I can’t keep trying to burying emotions that just need an out let, it’s ok to cry, hell it’s ok to scream if it helps. I noticed that my thinking wasn’t right and I had to frequently leave the room to hide my tears, embarrassment, shame and a feeling of not being worthy float up, but it’s ok it’s normal apparently.

Today as I write this I’ve been for a walk, I was feeling fatigued and felt like just laying on the couch but I managed to drag myself off and made a good decision. It’s a beautiful sunny day, cold and crisp with deep blue icy skies. It reminds me of skiing weather. I hate fatigue and realise it’s been one of the catalysts to dragging me down. I’ve read an important article from prostate cancer UK about fatigue. For me I’ve always been active and fatigue is a tough cookie to deal with. It leaves me feeling a mixture of emotions, shame and a feeling of uselessness at not feeling up to helping around the house. The article mirrors exactly the thoughts I’m having so I’ll post it here

https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information-and-support/living-with-prostate-cancer/fatigue

I’ll end today on a positive note and with a promise to try harder with the blog, you can also catch up by subscribing to my video blog which is just another way I’ve found to share this experience with others going through the same thing. One thing I won’t do is to give up, I’m in this fight for the duration, going through a bad few weeks or so is just a blip and I’ll come back fighting strong the next time, which I promise won’t be as long a wait as this one has been. Stay strong and keep believing

love Woody ❤️