The coffee, cup, mindfulness and a sticky beak.
It’s 3.30am and I’m wide awake.
Again it’s dead silent, it almost feels like I’ve been transported into another dimension and I’m mo longer a part of this planet. I can almost feel the silence that surrounds me.
It’s the thinking hour, I find 3 till 4 my thoughts run like a river, gliding through a valley, the thoughts are non stop, but not out of control. They spill out into my writing, for me this is the best time to write, it’s almost as if my fingers typing this and I have no control and are just being led by my thoughts. It’s like my typing finger is connected directly to my thoughts. Yes one finger typing ☺️ unlike my two daughters and my wife that seen to have mastered multi fingered typing to such a degree it actually doesn’t look like typing it’s more like gliding over the keyboard the tiny keyboard each finger knowing exactly where it’s going, where as my one digit not really having a clue at times, but I have to admit the 3am typing does seem to just happen by itself. 📝
I’ve had a couple of days now to process the good news from the Prostate blood test, in case you never read the last blog it was good news, my PSA level was 4.3 we which is down to a healthy level.
I’ve still got cancer and its in my back too, I’m struggling with my thoughts to comprehend all this. So it’s good news in one way but what about the cancer in my back, what is the plan for that, this is a question I need to ask next week.
I realised in the last week or two it’s just not possible to be totally positive all of the time, my emotions seem to have jumped back on that roller coaster. I change my state very quickly, one minute feeling very positive the next back down again and full of doubts. I’m guessing this is perfectly normal in my situation. I do know as I’ve been saying all along the roller coaster is driven by my thoughts, my positive thoughts send my ride soaring into the heavens and then a negative thought comes along and sends me crashing back down to earth.
I’ve never been one to go on the fast rides at amusement parks especially after a horrible experience in the Simpsons ride in universal studios or somewhere like that, it left me dizzy for about 6 months and I had to go and see a doctor about it, I know I’ll never be a super hero, I mean your just not qualified to wear the Cape if you can’t hack the Simpsons ride, right! 😄
I’m supposing this is common with all serious life changing illness that people suffer with. The roller coaster of thought takes you through one incredible ride and it’s like it’s never ending at the moment.
I have learnt a lot during these past couple of months that the emotional ride I’m on is totally controlled by my thinking. Does that help anyone that reads this, that’s in a similar situation , I do hope so.
I managed to sit out in the garden for an hour or so today, with my cup of chai tea, I’ve definitely found a taste for this tea and it’s slowly pushing my green tea for the top spot in my what’s my favourite tea league. My what’s my favourite coffe league surprising still has this at top spot
Who would have thought a decaf coffee could still be in top spot on my what’s my favourite coffee league, this does only apply to the coffees that are actually in my house, it doesn’t actually touch Costa Coffee flat white.
Oh how I digress so much in my blogs and in fact in my everyday life, I’ve always been known as a bit of a hopper , it was a word an old teacher once used , she was from Australia, Woody you are a real hopper , I gues I’m like a littery kangaroo, jumping about from one topic to another. She used to also call me sticky beak, I never quite fingered out what that term of endearment actually meant, it was usually proceeded by shut up😄
Anyway…
The weather is nice yet again, a few clouds and they are being helped along by a brisk cold wind. I sit back in my chair and make shapes out of the clouds. I’ve always done this
since I was a small kid and even as an adult every now and then, im still excited by brief glimpses of dolphins and rabbits and eagles appearing in the sky, before like all clouds, they either slowly dissolve away or just drift on by and reform to excite someone else like me who happens to be looking up and has just the right amount of imagination.
I love my time sitting in the garden, it’s funny but before I had cancer I would rarely spend the time doing this, I suppose there was always so much to do, but in reality there really wasn’t, I believe we just make up excuses to tell ourselves, I haven’t got time or its just a load of time wasting or something else that’s not completly true, afterall we can spend so much time being consumed on our phones or staring mindlessly at a TV set , can’t we?
Meditation is often thought if as time wasting, mindfulness is often met with I’m far too busy to be wasting my time meditating or being mindful, by the way they are basically the same thing. When did we become too busy to stop and just become aware of the present moment, when did we become too busy to step out of the past or the future and focus on now.💭
In the garden I’m completly in the present moment. I don’t have to sit in the lotus position perched in a temple on top of a mountain pass, I just need to be. Being is the most important word , I’m not doing I’m just being. Listening to the birds watching the clouds and breathing normally are being. I’m a human being afterall 😄
People will read this and say it’s ok for Woody to say that, I’m far too busy for all that Mindfulness crap, my answer would be if your far too busy to become mindful then you are the sort of person who needs Mindfulness in your life before you become too busy to even know that you are alive.🤔
I find my new found love for drinking tea and just being mindfull of all that’s going on in the garden is something I will be continuing after this is all over. I could of said after this nightmare is all over but I didn’t because I’m not seeing this as a nightmare, perhaps an awakening is a better word and sounds so much better than a nightmare. 🌑🌚
A nightmare would mean that is all negative like falling into a black hole. I’m not in a black hole and even if I’m taking my last breath I’m going to make sure I’ve got a smile on my face if I can.😄
The experience I’m having as started to turn into a more spiritual one. I’m learning so much about spiritual beliefs, and listening to stories about miracles. I’m hoping my story turns into a miracle, do I have to believe in it so much?. Miracles happen everyday, every time a baby is born it’s a miracle not just from the human species but every species on this planet.
I’ll keep believing, I’ll keep learning and hopefully the universe will see something in me that allows me to continue living a bit longer than maybe my prognosis says I should.
If you are in my situation, just do the same, if it works for me, then just copy what I do.
Someone once said, if you really want to succeed in life, find someone who is very successful, find out what they did to become succesfull then just copy them, it makes sense, perhaps it will work in staying living and avoiding dying. If it works for someone else then surely it can work for me and if it works for me then why can’t it work for you ♥️
