Hot flushes and tears

I’m awake early, it means I’ve slept right through again. The app on my phone registers just under 10.5 hours of sleep. I’m living with cancer but I feel good. The sun is shining and there is not a single cloud that I can see, just this light blue sky, perfect for a walk. I’m not sure where I’m going but a day like this deserves a proper walk. I feel good mentally and physically. I wonder if it’s got something to do with the phone call I received from the doctors secretary yesterday. It was brief as always but the message was clear “no significant change in my latest MRI scan.

This is basically what living with cancer is like. I hang on for the monthly PSA reading hoping and praying that the numbers are stable and haven’t started to rise. Any new pain is a chance for anxiety to kick in. I never let it, I close the door firmly on that before it gets a foothold. The door is bolted tight I refuse to let anxiety in, maybe at times worry unpicks the lock but that’s ok I can deal with worry.

The ice man

Whenever anxiety threatens to kick the door down I fight back. I think of ways that I can help myself to keep it out. Sometimes meditation works and sometimes my mind won’t stay still enough. I’ve got into a routine (inspired by the ice man Wim Hof) to take daily cold showers. I’m up to a minute now. The freezing cold water does something. It’s strange but when I focus on my breathing the water stops taking my breath away. It’s great to have learnt how to take a cold shower. Anxiety gets washed away, it doesn’t stand a chance.

I’ve also started to do the Wim Hof breathing method, it’s kind of wierd and leaves me light headed for a while but the feeling afterwards is the reward. Combine that with the cold showers and I’m sure that my body feels better this week. I’m convinced there is so much to all of this stuff, hell if I’ve got nothing to lose so I give it a go. I’ve put the Wim Hof breathing method on here if anyone would like to give it a try.

Of course with a day like this the best place to be is out doors and walking and that’s exactly what I’m going to do do this morning so I’ll see you later and let you know how it goes.

The sky is blue, white fluffy clouds scatter and change into all kinds of miraculous shapes. I have just arrived at my most favourite place. It’s warmish but not hot, I’m wearing a hoodie and write now I can feel the sweat running down my arms and my back as I’m having an incredibly strong hot flush. They have become more powerful and more frequent recently, I don’t know why, I know the hormone therapy messes with my body but on the whole I’m just grateful for the fact that it is probably the only reason still around writing this stuff. Im sitting by the lake,feeling very grateful indeed, it’s really is just perfect. In fact it’s too perfect to explain in words so instead I’m going to do a little video and then I’ll post it on here.

Ten minutes of mindfulness

I walked twice around the lake which is about 6 or 7 km in total. I said hi to everyone I passed, some replied a lot just ignored me. I find it incredibly sad that someone choses to ignore a fellow human being just being kind. I watched a heron stalking fish, then he stopped and stood perfectly still for about 5 seconds, then incredibly fast and accurate a split second later a poor little fish was his lunch, seems kind of cruel but that’s the circle of life. The lake was silent too with hardly a ripple on the surface. The sun was being chased away by the clouds and the promising start to the day soon changed when the first few fat raindrops started to fall. They were Icy cold and must have fallen from a long way as they fell to earth. It always amazes me how the British weather can jump from one season to another in an hour or less.

Happy birthday

It’s my daughter’s birthday tomorrow and she will be 12 years old, I’m feeling kind of sad when I shouldn’t be, my god it’s difficult sometimes to cope with my feelings. My hormones are all over the place with the therapy I’m on and I sometimes find myself when no one is looking just breaking out in tears. I can’t stop them they just kind of happen. The thought of my baby girl becoming 12 tomorrow turns the emotional taps back on again. How can she be 12. I’m so proud of who she is becoming but the nagging thought that I might not be around for as long as I had planned won’t leave me alone. Fuck you cancer (apologies mum) but you’ve got to give me that one. Sometimes it’s hard to talk to anyone about all this and so I do apologise for burdening you the good readers with my thoughts but they have to go somewhere. I look at her tonight and feel immense pride and that of course goes for both of my daughter’s. An extra long and lovingly special cuddle from her Daddy today. Love is another shield I possess in my armour against cancer. Nothing can penetrate that kind of armour, only tears.💕 Sometimes just when I think I’m being brave the walls come falling down. It’s hard my god it’s so hard. I apologise for my self pity as I’m writing, cancer does that to a person. These emotions come in waves, I have to be a surfer and ride the emotional waves of life as they come crashing on to my shore.

It’s the weekend another week has raced by, my daughter’s birthday was lovely, we all got up extra early to share her delight in opening her presents. I got emotional, can’t help it I’m afraid but I hid it well. I’m going through a really emotional phase and the tears sometimes just come with out warning over the smallest of things. Hot flushes and tears that’s a great title I think I’ll use that😀😥🔥. Just watching her little face as she excitedly opened her presents is another memory that’s going to be etched into my mind of treasures for ever.

This weekend we have a BBQ for my wife’s family , I’m cooking for around 20 people. She’s stressed I’m cool😀 I don’t have time for stress anymore. We have a brand new gas BBQ so it will be the first time I’ve cooked on a gas BBQ. What can possibly go wrong, it’s only 20 people. The weather is great, not to hot but just right

The evening after

The BBQ was a great success but I’m feeling strangly subdued. It was hard work cooking for so many people and I’m tired. Everyone had a good time except I think for me. I loved meeting all the family but I spent a lot of the time cooking and when I say cooking I mean cooking. Man it was hot. The bottom of our garden where the BBQ lives is a proper heat trap and I’m really feeling it tonight. I did some thing this evening that I haven’t done for nearly six months and that was to drink alcohol. Just two beers but combined with my meds has knocked me out and left me feeling a bit sorry for my self. I also ate a few slices of lemon drizzle cake just a few minutes ago and now I’m kind of racked with guilt for breaking my vegan promise. Beer and cake it’s been a while and I wish I hadn’t indulged but I guess it won’t kill me to have an off day once in a while.

Well another week has thundered by, where is the time going. I try not to think about time but I can’t help noticing how fast it’s going. I wonder if that’s because I’ve been told that I have an incurable disease that will cut my life short. I don’t know, I’m doing my best to keep on top of it. I’m still positive I will beat it, I just wish my life would slow down a bit and not be in such a tremendous hurry to pass me by. It’s like when you are diagnosed with cancer the world starts turning just that little bit quicker. Things I am afraid to lose or miss just slip by and speed up as if life is trying to tell me come on Woody let’s just get it over with shall we! I refuse to listen to that, I’ve got plans for more life. Tomorrow I’ll start again, no more alcohol and certainly no lemon drizzle cake, back to the vegan diet and kick this cancers ass.

Dear reader whatever you are doing just stop and spare a moment to appreciate the beat of your 💖 heart you are alive and that’s a cause for celebration. But you are only alive if you do something with that life. Go out and do what youve always wanted to do. Life is so precious and you have no time for regrets and I wishes. You get just one go at this fabulous amazing thing called life, make it count.

Love Woody❤️

Men are you at risk from Prostate Cancer?

As usual I want to end this post by raising awareness of prostate cancer. I know know at the very least 6 people have messaged me to say they have prostate cancer and have caught it in its early stage where it’s not so harmful and remarkably this blog was the only reason they got checked up. MEN you can and should check this link here to see your risk. I hope of course that you don’t have it but also I hope if you do that you take my advice and catch it early before it can do the horrible damage it’s already inflicted on me. 30 seconds to check your risk. ❤️