A walk around the lake and some positivity after a nightmare

Can’t sleep tonight, it’s been a while since I have written a late night blog. I woke about 2am it’s now 3am. My head is telling me to go back to sleep but my body is saying no. So I pick my phone up and start typing.  My back feels kind of strange tonight, it’s woke me up. Laughing at it doesn’t seem to work tonight. I’ve not done much today so I’m not sure why it’s turned so angry on me. The thoughts have to be turned off, I can’t go down the dark alleyways of dread and doubt. My mind takes my hand, I refuse to go. I sit down like a stubborn dog that needs to be pulled by its master. I refuse to budge, I refuse to be led down into the darkness. I wait alone in my room, I’m in the spare room, I can’t share a bed with my wife. I need a cuddle, I need someone to just tell me it’s going to be all right.

I must of been dreaming I’m drenched in sweat, my room feels dark and clammy and the walls seem closer than they should be. I try to smile and bluff it away but it’s definitely got me tonight. I pull the duvet up to my chin and close my eyes tightly and visit my calm space in my mind, but I leave the light on.

I’m awake , it’s early morning. I know something happened last night a nightmare! My thoughts and feelings are so very real in this blog so I read back what I wrote and strangely it seems so unattached to me, did I experience something last night, was it a dream or not, I wrote it down. I don’t even really remember writing it I just know that I wrote something. I think I was in a kind of dream as I typed on my phone’s keyboard. The birds are singing outside, normality is back. I stand and stare out of the window and watch the world slowly stretching and yawning as it wakes up again. I feel safe and calm in my universe🙏

A new challenge

My purpose is back again. On April 30th I’m going to join a fantastic group of men and women for a stroll around London. The aim is to walk the Monopoly board it’s about 15 miles, I need to get into training. I plan to walk five miles a day this week and then gradually start increasing it. I’ve not walked much recently, I suppose being back at work has taken over. Now I know I’ve got something to aim for nothing will stop me. I walked yeserday into town twice. I listen to motivational speeches on Spotify. I listen to them loud as I walked as if they were carrying me.

Can I walk 15 miles on April 30th? Well I can promise you that I will give it a damm good try. It’s just 3 walks of 5 miles that’s all or even 7 walks of 2 miles and a bit. I’m going to do it if I can. This is my purpose for the next 6 weeks to build up the stamina to do it. This is my fight. This is my way of saying to cancer you can’t stop me. If I succeed then I know my cancer is going to take another step backwards. I’m exited again at the thought of having something to walk for. I had lost my motivation to walk and now it’s back thanks to some great people who have organised this event to raise awareness and hopefully lots of money.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/keith-woodward3

My head is buzzing this morning, I can hear it as if I’ve got a hangover. It’s buzzing with thoughts. Like a million bees in a hive my thoughts are getting louder and louder buzzing from one thought to the next. It’s strange I can’t even make out an individual thought it’s just a noise. Time for some mindfulness.

I close my eyes take a couple of deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. I focus on the feeling and the movement of my breathing. Soon I follow a rhythm and gradually the thoughts and the noise slow down. I feel better, the bees are slowing down and settling back into their hive, no longer troubling my mind.

I can now focus much clearly, I know the overload of thoughts ‘is a hangover to the dream or nightmare last night and combine that with the excitement of wanting to plan a way of walking this route. Sometimes we get overwhelmed with our thoughts and they need a place to go to and a place where they can just settledown. The bhudhist monks call this the monkey mind, when it’s agitated and full of thoughts like a monkey jumping about in a tree. I like that, it sounds about right to me.

Another glorious morning, this is the 5th day now in a row where I’ve woken to clear blue skies, even had a late winter frost a few mornings ago. The forecast is good this week, temperatures really on their way up just right for some walking adventures as I’m off work this week too. It’s also the time of the month where all of my clinical stuff gets done. Blood tests injections and what ever else the amazing NHS need to do to me to make me better. This week is where my anxiety rises a few notches due to the combined affect of it all and most of all waiting again for that all important PSA blood test result.

Guys please read this

Whilst I’m in the mood for writing I thought I would share a bit about the PSA test as it might save someone’s life reading this or a friend or relative, you never know. The PSA test is a measure of how much prostate antigen you have in your blood. An elevated level is a good way of catching prostate cancer at its early stage. I would urge any man reading this, that’s in his early fifties to consider getting a PSA  blood test. It’s a simple test that could so easily save your life or the life of someone you know. My last PSA test was 0.16 which is about normal, it means my drugs are working. My first PSA test was 288, this meant I had the cancer, and it had been with me for a while as it had already spread into other parts. That I’m dealing with now. So men don’t leave it till it’s too late just see if you can get a test.

That’s off my chest and I’m now going to enjoy my Sunday walk in the spring sunshine , I might even manage to prise one of my daughter’s out of their rooms to come and join me, see you all later have a lovely day ❤️

Just chillin

I’m sitting outside on our lovely patio, the air is just so full of spring. A gigantic bumble bee has just passed by close to my ear. I watch it as it flies off no doubt searching for pollen. A wood pidgeon is making it’s very distinctive noise, they don’t sing but just let you know they are around. A small flock of goldfinches swoops overhead, I sit back and relax in the warmth of the sun against the chill of the air. There’s very little human stuff going on,  it’s like everyone has gone out or just not emerged yet. One of my cats, Daisy has joined me, she lays next to me as if on guard, her ears and whiskers twitching, always on alert. My wife and kids have gone shopping, I’m on my own just soaking up the good feeling of life in the present moment.

This week is the week when it kind of all starts again, it’s Monday morning and for the next few days it’s in and out of the hospital for tests and injections swabs etc and medication collection from the chemo ward and most importantly of all the latest PSA results which I get on Thursday.

This week the apprehension is down a bit, I feel good today and after the hospital visit this morning I plan to get out into the fresh air and put a few miles on my clock. I’m planning on visiting my beloved lakes and maybe while I’m there do a little video blog which I will post later.

The lake

The walk was lovely, it was one of those spring days where everything is just perfect. I walked 8km in total you will see in the video below where I went. The sky was cloudless the sun was warm and there was a gentle coolish breeze blowing. I really enjoyed the walk, I intended to walk once maybe twice around the lake, in the end carried along by a good feeling and the will to just walk I ended up walking 3 times around the lake.

I said hello to everyone I passed, the spring warmth makes each step feel lighterboth physically and mentally. I loved listening to the birds, they sing all day at the lake and it’s fascinating to hear their different songs. I passed a bush that was alive with sounds, it was if the bush was alive itself, I could see the small birds jumping about, the noise was incredible, it wasn’t harmonious, it was as if lots of individual birds of different types were all trying to outsing each other, some might even call it a racket, I thought it was beautiful.

I write as I see, and now I’m sitting down watching a very elderly gentleman shuffling along so very slowly with his dog. What makes this scene so very beautiful is the dog doesn’t leave his master’s side, it is so obvious the dog loves him as it frequently looks up in adoration at the old man and wags it’s little tail as if to say don’t worry old chap I’m here and I’ll always be here for you.

There are a few more people out now, I’m sitting down enjoying a cup of tea. A young mum is singing to her little girl apparently they are going on a bear hunt, I smile and remember singing the same song from a book I’ve read to both my daughter’s. The lake shines silver and is as still as a glass mirror. A small blizzard of blossom is swirling around and a few settle on the bench I’m sitting on I pick up a petal and just look at it for a while and wonder how it was made.

I smile again as I breath in the spring air, happy to be here. The best things in life are certainly free. I watch as a jumbo jet sized bumble awkwardly jumps off a bush and flies in a not not so straight line to another bush. He must be full of pollen, he can hardly fly and yet he does. Scientists can’t explain how a bumble bee can fly, only he knows because the universe gave him the gift to do so and us humans can only guess and speculate, but we don’t really know. He is loud too, it’s an angry buzz, perhaps he’s had a bad day.

Two dogs on a lead, golden retrievers I believe. They smile, they look like they know everyone thinks they are beautiful as of course they are. I watch them, big brown eyes, white coats and white teeth, they are a handsome pair. They wait obediently whilst their human looks at its phone. I would love to have a dog, I’m waiting for the universe to sort that one out for me, I know now is not the time. 🐾

I’m watching two swans, so noble and proud, oblivious to everything around them and so obviously in love with each other. They swim together, a couple for life. I smile as I wonder how they met, was he shy or did she play hard to get. They look quite young, I silently wish them a long and glorious life together on the lake.

Time to go, I don’t want to leave this place, it’s been a lovely morning away from the realities of cancer, I’ll be back soon.

Take care love Woody ❤️