Beating the PSA anxiety

Been on another long walk today, just over 8km, that’s two days in a row. I’m laying on my bed tonight feeling it a bit. My right leg is telling me what a silly boy I have been and is most definitely upset with me. I can tell, as every now and then it sends a bolt of pain from my hip to my knee and then it fades away as it hits my shin. I’m actually laying here observing it, it’s like I’ve been wired up to the mains and every few minutes my leg will twitch as if a switch is flicked on and then off.

But I’m also smiling, this pain can’t hurt me anymore only if I chose to let it. I’m smiling because it’s a small price to pay for getting out and walking in the countryside. Today I visited a small country park called Ranscombe park. It’s fortunately just 20 mins walk from my front door and slightly closer from the back door. I walked for the sheer joy of walking. The woods welcomed me back,” it’s been a while” the trees said. I felt alive and very very well, especially for someone who has stage 4 cancer. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alive. It takes being in danger of losing life to wake up to what life is really all about.

Skiing & walking

I remember when I spent all those years as a ski guide, just flowing down mountains, free, and at one with the mountain. Dancing in the snow with my skis. Making those little sharp parallel turns much to the envy of other skiers, I was a bit of a show off back in the day.. I used to think that nothing could touch that feeling. I get a familiar feeling of freedom when I’m out walking, of course it’s a much gentler pace, I like that I have time to really study everything as I walk. Skiing was a blur, the icy wind the clear skies yes when I was skiing it was all a blur. When I stopped I loved just staring at the mountain peaks, those memories are etched in my mind forever, all I have to do is close my eyes and I’m back again, now those peaks have been changed for tree tops. I look up into the trees and after a few seconds they come to life. I watch a very acrobatic young squirrel showing off his skills. He knows I’m watching. His big brown eyes catching mine. He jumps from branch to branch and tree to tree, he looks happy, showing off to the human below, I suppose a bit like I did on my skis. I notice some yellow flowers at the edge of the path I’m walking on, then some white ones, I couldn’t tell you what they are only that they tell me that spring is here.☀️

I spot a jay. He’s a strange mix of colours almost looks like a multicoloured magpie. I walk and walk and walk today. The best bit is when I come to a little field and see sheep goats and pigs all in the same little place. There is a football in the middle, I wonder if I’ve just disturbed a game of football when no humans are watching.😃

I see a sign on a tree, it’s for a missing dog. It’s a small Yorkie. It’s been missing since yesterday evening. A man is walking towards me he stops to say hello, he’s the one looking for the dog. I chat with him for a while and we go out seperate ways. I have a quick vision of me cradling the little dog as I triumphantly return it back to him. I delay going home although I’ve done more than enough walking for one session my hips are starting to tell me off and that throb in my back has started doing it’s stuff. Despite all this I double back, determined to find the little fella but sadly to no avail. My thoughts are with the family who have lost their little dog I hope he finds his way back to them, come on universe do your stuff please.🙏

My belly is also having a little chat with me tonight, this morning was my monthly hormone injection. The nurse was great. It’s such a big needle but she’s kind and gentle and I didn’t feel a thing. She’s done most of my injections since last September, we always have a nice chat about stuff. Tonight the site of the injection is red and angry, a large bump forms where the implanted jell just sits and gradually disperses around my body during the next few days. Tonight it’s keeping me awake, I have to sit upright can’t risk rolling on my side. This jel is what’s keeping me alive, I don’t care how much it hurts I say thank you to it for what it is allowing me to do. In a few days the pain will calm down. It still amazes me that this one injection each month and three little brown tablets are keeping me alive oh and of course the universe is certainly doing it’s bit too.🙏

Tomorrow I’m back to the nurse for blood tests, this is the very important monthly tests to see how my PSA levels are doing. 0.16 last month let’s hope that the level stays the same. I’m normally very anxious the night before my PSA test but now it’s just a part of life, just a sharp scratch and it’s over. The result is telephoned to me from hospital on Thursday morning. This is my life from now on. It’s not too much to deal with its just a bit of an inconvenience that’s all. I feel very positive that it’s going to be all right.

I’m back to work again next week and can’t wait to jump back into the course I was on last week, it will be week three and the exiting part where my students will drive on blue lights for the first time. I always love week three, so many emotions happen but gradually the students get to realise as the week goes on that they can do it. My smile gets bigger as I watch my students develop and grow, there is no better job for me I’m so thankful that I have been given a 2nd chance, I can’t tell you in words how much it means to me to be back in this job.

My message is always the same to anyone who reads this blog. Don’t you dare give in. No matter how bleak the outlook may seem to you, it’s just tempory, you can do it, you can stand up and look cancer or whatever it is that’s causing you pain and tell it with out hesitation or fear I will win. You can not lose as long as you do your best, don’t give up don’t say I can’t because you most definitely can. Keep thinking you can and you will. Keep believing the impossible can be possible and it will. Every positive thought that you have can grow and grow. You have to have darkness for light to shine through and it will if you just let it. These are the things I’ve been telling myself and believe me it works ❤️

I guess it’s time to switch off and fly away in my dreams some where. I don’t think I’ll be waking up tonight at any point. My eyes are struggling to stay open as I type. Time to recite my daily mantra now and say good night

PSA anxiety

Every month those of us suffering with Prostate cancer must go through the wait for our PSA test result. It’s the same each month, will it be lower will it be higher, it’s like a lottery but the prize is your life extension. You see the PSA numbers are a direct indicator of how the medication is working, I’m very pleased to say my result has just come through and my PSA has dropped remarkably to 0.04.

This indicates that for now the combination of drugs I’m on are doing their job. I belong to a number of cancer forums and I’m sharing as much positivity among them as possible. Yet most days somebody’s PSA takes that dreaded upward turn this of course is the indicator that the drug had done its job and if this happens more frequently and the level keeps rising then it’s time to start a new treatment.

I try not to think of this like a condemned man. Life goes on and the truth is I’m incredibly grateful just to be a part of this life lottery. Without the medication I’m on now I doubt I would be writing this blog. The anxiety is ok for me I understand more than most how the mind works and for that I’m also grateful. I understand the mind body and its powerful connection and will continue to use that. I will keep living a normal life, well as normal as possible. My children are growing so fast, I need to see them grow up and become the beautiful adults I know they are going to be. Cancer can not and will not stop me from achieving that. We all need a goal, a purpose to carry on, that is mine, to see my beautiful girls into their adult life to support them when they need a shoulder to cry on and be there for them when ever they need me.

I no my level is very low now, but I’m aware my body can at any time reject the drug and so it’s living on a tightrope each month and praying you don’t fall off. I also know as cancer goes this type has many different treatments and more being trialled right now. I keep believing that I will beat this cancer but my god it’s still hard to beat those monthly PSA anxiety blues. I will beat this, there will be ups and downs but I will beat it thanks to the wonders of modern medicine and my absolute faith in the universe. And so it good news for another month and I move on to the next one day at a time.

Everyday in everyway I’m getting stronger and stronger

Everyday in everyway I’m feeling better and better

Everyday in everyway my cancer is getting weaker and weaker

Love Woody ❤️

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