Putting up the tree.

I think this year there is going to be a lot more emphasis on the word special. Special time, special moments and memories. 🎄

Normally it’s special but this year extra special seems more appropriate. I’m like a kid anyway when it comes to Christmas, in fact I probably still have a slight sense of belief in it all being real somehow anyway, I mean I believe in the power of the universe so why not. I will still be looking towards the heavens on Christmas Eve to see if I can catch some kind of  glimpse of something mysterious in the night sky, you never know, but if you just look hard enough🎅🤶

So today I put the Christmas tree up and after my wife remarked that was the first time I had put the tree up.in 18 years since we had returned from working overseas together in the holiday repping world. 🎄 I thought in an instant that it was sad that I had nothing to do with putting the tree up since we’ve been together back in the UK for 18 years. We never had to worry about such things overseas, I mean we were living in a ski resort every winter it’s just already there in nature. 

18 years, that just shows how much in those years work took the front seat in everything. I remember I used to come home from a day’s work ( teaching people to drive) and the tree would be up, and it took cancer to actually do something different. I felt kind of ashamed thinking of all of those years my wife would have put the tree up all on her own, I really enjoyed doing it today , some nice Christmas music and left alone to put it up. It’s one of those trees that is put together by colour coded branches. We brought it in B&Q 18 years ago, it was our first and only tree.

it took a while , it’s one of those trees that just needs to take time, a lot of love went into it today plus a few tears. I couldn’t stop my emotions today, they just overwhelmed me in little waves, not necessarily bad emotions, just strong powerful ones that unless your in this situation or in my head it would be difficult to understand. 😢

The emotions seem to have come from all the Christmases past , every tune on the Spotify soundtrack brought with it a different memory and with that a different feeling. Several times I had to turn my face away from the girls, I don’t want them to see their daddy crying, I’m supposed to be their rock afterall, aren’t I? 🙏❤️

Well someone needs to tell my emotions that I can’t help thinking what if this is the last Christmas I spend with them, I can’t help that bloody thought, it just won’t leave me alone. The doctor did say it would be years so I’m hanging on to that. How many doesn’t really matter. In fact the future no longer really seems to matter so much it’s all about now 🙏

Nobody on this planet has a clue what the future holds for them, so I’m taking it one step at a time, one day at at a time. Make the most of those hours and days because otherwise it’s wasting valuable time. I think back and ponder how much of that valuable time I have wasted in the past, we all do it, watching the clock , waiting for the bell to ring at the end of school, just general time wasting at work, sleeping in, it’s all time wasting away but I guess at the time you don’t realise how precious time actually is. I wonder how many hours in total I’ve spent in traffic queues just doing nothing except wishing the time to go. 🚦🛑

I find myself smiling a lot today , talk about conflicting emotions. Smiling one moment, crying the next, there really is no control over this stuff you know, you just do what your body and mind is telling you to do. I’m still sure the emotions all proceeds a thought about something. A smile comes from a nice thought, a song on the radio can do that to you. You can be just standing doing nothing and then a song just comes onto the radio and bamm your emotions are off it could be a beautiful emotion or a sad emotion, either we stand no chance in controlling them that’s for sure. 😢😃

Tomorrow I’m going to attempt to put the outside lights up but that may be a challenge that I can’t do, but I’m going to give it a try, it does involve a step ladder and lots of gaffa tape, I promise I will be careful. 

Today the pain in the bottom of my back and right leg has increased, this is a direct result of coming off the steroids, they were obviously to me doing the job they were meant to be. The steroids takes down the inflammation in the back caused by the cancer and that presses on various nerves . It’s a trade-off between the steroids and the horrible side effects or the pain and numbness in my back and legs. The doctor will be talking to me next week about going forward and managing all of this. I can only see my life is going to have to coexist with the steroids and their unpleasant side effects, we will see. 🙏❤️

So the difficult thing is how to remain positive in all of this, well I’ve got some answers and these are now based on experience, I used to teach people how to be positive , I think I’ve got some new experiences that may be helpful to people in this area of their lives. It must be awful living a negative life I’m glad I’ve not,  but there is stuff that you can do if you want to change a few things. You have to want to change to become positive, I believe many people get stuck in a negative blanket, you’ve heard the expression that some people are never more happy than when they are moaning about something. Did I just make that one up, it certainly applies to some people I’ve known down the years. The other thing is many of us are simply not even aware that we are negative alot of the time, it just kind of happens to us. 

So here’s a few ideas , now tried and tested , I’ll just say a few today and then perhaps I’ll share some more on the next blog.

Keep smiling, I’m sure that I’d your smiling you can’t feel negative , it seems to work.

Laugh loudly, I’ve found that really laughing with all your energy as if it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard really works. I guess it’s the same kind of thing as smiling except on a grander scale. 

Both of these force us to produce chemical and biological reactions that change us from a cellular level. Think on that a smile or a laugh can change your cells, got to be worth a try don’t you think and how easy is it , you know you don’t even have to believe it’s funny just laugh and it will become funny to your body.

Get out the house and just walk, yes Woody this is the one that is a game changer. Next week I’ve got plans to go and walk in country parks and nature reserves, all nearby. A quick search on Google revealed loads of places I can easily drive to and then spend some quality time exploring. I’m grateful to live within a short distance of some great parks, it will be weird going to them on my own, but that’s going to be the biggest part of the adventure. It’s an adventure, I used to use this word a lot when I was first diagnosed , well the adventures back on. I’ve got rivers to see, estauries to explore, air to taste, trees to look at, birds to listen too and animals to watch. I think cancer hates people having a good time, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do, have a good time. 

The weather won’t stop me either, there is no such thing as bad weather only poor clothing, great Scandy saying that one. I don’t care if its raining, snowing hailing or what ever it wants to do, I say bring it on and make it interesting, anyway I’ve got my not so new now bright blue warm jacket and that is so invincible against the weather. 

Last thing before I go today I’ve got to make an announcement, I’ve managed to raise £1000 for the Samaritans in the Jog for November challenge. I’m so grateful for every single person that gave a donation to this wonderful charity. It’s the first fundraiser I’ve ever done 🙏

I don’t think my raising money days are over ❤️