Twas the night before the night before Christmas 🎄

Thursday 23rd 

Today I thought my pain problems were sorted, the community pallaitive care nurses visited today , only just over 2 hours late , most people would have apologised for keeping me and my wife waiting, I was just relieved to be in their care. The pain in my right leg has become unbearable unless I’m walking, strangely because it just goes away.🙏

The two nurses sat with us for a while and took all my details down, discussed a treatment plan for my pain left and said we will be in touch this afternoon with our plan to go on with.

Yes, a nurse phoned a few hours later to say I didn’t come under their care because the pain is not directly from the cancer, sorry but I’m referring you back to your doctor.😓

So to get this straight the pain I’m getting right now is because the cancer has damaged the sciatic nerve and yet it’s not cancer that is causing me this pain. 😅

So I’m being referred back to the local doctor to sort this problem out.😄

How to stay positive in this situation is almost impossible but I will . I will just move on and see if I can get something sorted, I’ve been confused with all the referalls lately , I blame it on the drugs I’m taking , yet to be honest I would be just as confused if I hadn’t taken a single tablet.😯

You have to wonder if there is not a far simpler system to get the help when it’s needed , I don’t blame the individuals but I can’t help feel like I’m being passed around a bit here. I appreciate the fact that people are trying to help me but are not actually helping me right now.🙏

I may well delete this tomorrow morning but right now I’m just a tiny weenie bit angry at it all and as usual I’m writing my thoughts as they are coming into my mind and straight on to the keyboard. 🆎

My god I’m hot tonight literally lying in bed I can’t have the covers on, this is one of the hottest flushes ever from the hormone therapy it’s almost like it’s burning my face my back and my neck. It will pass in a few minutes and then I’ll feel cold again, but this is seriously amazing heat. I’m thinking how can my body do this, I’m in awe in what the body can do when you mess about with a few hormones. I feel like I’m lying in a hot summer sun right now.🌞

My mind is so mixed up again, who do I blame, no one is to blame but my god I just want to blame someone for this mess I’m in with my life. Keep fighting Woody my other Woody keeps saying my internal Woody’s are arguing , they keep telling me different things. Good Woody says it’s all ok nothing to worry about your going to be just dandy soon. Bad Woody tells me it’s all fucked up , it’s all going wrong, you need to blame someone you need to get frustrated and angry and bad Woody is starting to win right now.(apologies mother bad Woody makes me swear more)

The hot flush is evaporating and now the cold chill is settling in, I can feel the chill slowly taking over I wrap myself tight in my duvet, that’s much better now I’m settling down to normal temperature. 🌡️🔥

My voices in my head are still chattering away, I will wait untill they have both finished trying to sell me their argument, it’s like 2 salesman pitching to me in my mind. The only way to solve this problem is to go back to my meditation for a few minutes and let the voices from my two Woody’s die away and give me some peace. 😄

I often used to use mindfulness to quieten my mind, but it’s never been as important as it is right now. I close my eyes take a few deep breaths to ground myself and then just focus on my breathing, in my nose and out my mouth. Nothing else matters, I’m not trying too hard but I’m paying attention to my breathing only. I’ve been doing this for years most people struggle because they try too hard. One thing for certain is I’m not going to think straight with my two Woody’s having a go at me. 🙏

Once my mind is clear I can then ask it questions I’m often surprised with the answers I receive back, not always immediately sometimes hours or even days but I always recognise an answer because it comes clear as a light in my mind, a real light bulb moment.💡

I’m up earlyish 7.30am I’m waiting for the clinic to open, if you are not on the phone dialing them at precisely 8am on the dot you end up at the back of the queue , to be honest it doesn’t bother me most times but this morning I want to get it off my mind, I’m caller number 3, which goes very quickly to my turn in fact I’m so surprised at how easy it’s all been this morning that I struggle to speak at first.😂

Medication sorted , the two nurses have sent their recommendations on an email to the doctor and that will be sorted out later today for me to pick up. I definitely overthunk the situation yesterday, but when you are in pain thinking just doesn’t really become that normal, the other Woody’s in my mind confuse the situation. 🤔

 I feel better already today in my mind but the pain in my right leg is a real problem, I’m struggling to even walk on it, might even have to get the stick out, it’s been patiently waiting for me by the front foor, I’m sure it looks at me and says if you need me you know where I am buddy, well thanks mr walking stick I’m ok for now, but if I need you, I’ll be grateful you are there, waiting to help me out again. 

I will be back later to finish this  blog before the big day itself.

We walked down the river as a family for breakfast today, it was mild and cloudy, the river was in its lowest tide just a channel running between the two banks, the ideal time to spot seals. My kids don’t believe there are seals in the river here, they just think it’s dad “avin them on” it would be so good if one could just pop up for a few moments and quell their disbelief, I’ve learned that willing the seals to make an appearance doesn’t really work perhaps it’s time to take a different approach. If you read this blog you will know I have a love affair with the river. Watching the swans gliding along without it seems, a care in the world. What could bother a swan, they are just too big to have any enemies aren’t they! Then you have the majestic corramont, I saw one of them skimming its way across the river, I saw all of this on the way to breakfast, of course no one else noticed. A seal could of jumped out on a sandbank juggling a beach ball on it’s nose and I doubt anyone would of noticed either.😄 To busy doing stuff , going places to do stuff or busy forgetting stuff that is us yoomans in a nutshell.🌰

My first ever vegetarian breakfast, it was sad when I saw the bacon and real sausages on my wife’s and Ella’s plate. My sausages didn’t look to appetising but they tasted pretty good to be fair, along with hash browns , beens and mushrooms brown toast and grilled tomatoes. I enjoyed the breakfast, the restaurant was very quiet, just us and a handful of other people. 

We started walking back the girls went ahead of me, I told them I’d see them at home, my sciatica had not just kicked in it had taken a few steps back charged and booted me as hard as it could , I was no match for their pace. I started the walk with a painful limp, you know what cancer I can cope with but this sciatica is difficult. I walk along for a few minutes, the pain is pretty intense, I’m thinking please don’t take my walking away from me.🚶🚶🚶 My phone rang and it was my good friend Ricky , I love this bloke, I love his wisdom, sorry if your reading this Rick, it’s not often I express my undying love to a bloke. We had a chat that lasted all the way home and you know what the pain had completely gone, I hadn’t even noticed it sneaking off, I can only imagine it left with its head down like a scolded child who didn’t get what it wanted, fuck you pain, sorry mum. One thing I’ve discovered is that no matter how bad this sciatica is I have to grateful for the experience, it means I’m alive I’m grateful to be alive.

The afternoon was spent preparing for tomorrow, chopping and peeling stuff, my wife was in the kitchen doing everthing else. We were cooking for 5 but it seemed more like 15 the amount of food that was being prepared. Unfortunately the brother in law could not make it back to the UK  from deepest darkest Peru , too many problems meant that despite a real gallant effort there were just too many obstacles stopping them travelling and staying , covid being the main one.

I’m now on a double hit of Zomorph now in the evenings , this is to give me less pain, it’s great in a way but really all it does is knocks me out for the day. I go to bed like a zombie climbing the stairs, instead of crying for brains I’m crying for bed.

 It’s now 2.30am officially that means it’s Christmas day  I’ve been well and truly knocked out by the zomorph since about 9pm. I’m listening out for the special fella, all I can hear is the rain beating down on my roof , my first thought is how does Santa get around with this heavy rain, does his sled have some kind of convertible mode for wet weather sleighing. We have left him a carrot and a mince pie downstairs on the table. It’s a wonderful tradition, I’m thankful for it because all of this stuff means so much. What’s that noise, unmistakable footsteps on the stairs, I hold my breath, a bit in fear a bit in excitement, the noise stops, the rain stops, dripping is the only sound I hear now.

Well it’s time to finish this blog.

I’m grateful for you who reads it, I hope it helps you in some way.

So many people get so stressed at Christmas, is it worth it. Don’t go overboard do a bit to make you happy, don’t let it make you feel unhappy that’s not the point of Christmas.

I’m so grateful to be experiencing Christmas , is it my last , who knows and who cares as long as I enjoy this Christmas. Watching the kids faces will be extra special tomorow.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas 

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream

No request is too extreme

When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do

Fate is kind

She brings to those who love

The sweet fulfillment of

Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue

Fate steps in and sees you through

When you wish upon a star

Your dreams come true