New fight just started

A few weeks ago I wrote some thoughts about my last meeting with my oncologist and how it was all so positive and that she didn’t want to see me for a year unless things start to change. Well you should have got to know me by now, and with that comes the knowledge that nothing can ever be that straight forward with me. After two months of a raising PSA level, a possible marker for prostate cancer starting to become resistant to the treatment and calcium levels being high it was clear things have started to change, hold on tight the rollercoaster ride is winding its way back up to the very top ready for another free fall into this cancer madness. This time the drop seems even faster and sudden, it’s like gently drifting lazily down a river and suddenly you arrive at the rapids and the boat is in danger of being overturned by huge waves of emotion.

Ive found out that on top of the stage four cancer I’m also going to have to contend with osteoporosis in my spine, hips and knees it’s going to become a bit of a rocky road but ce la vie I accept the challenge. Of course finding this out I immediately turned to Dr Google just to frighten myself some more.

Just been listening to Pearl Jam in the car this line of a song seemed to jump out “thoughts arrived like butterflies oh he don’t know so he chases them away” well it works in my head😀

Nobody said it would be easy, I guess I kind of just thought that cancer would be my fight but now it appears that I’m being ganged up and bullied by his mates. Cancer just has this destructive force that slowly seems to want to wear me down one way or another. If I’m feeling particularly good it sends in an army of fatigue to chase my good feelings away, if I chose to not accept the fatigue and try to do something that amounts to the complete opposite of how I feel it sends in the pain team to attack and if I can beat that assault off we next get the dark thoughts that arrive in a frenzy and dance around in my head trying to coax me down the dark path, the path that has no light just darkness as if in a never-ending tunnel. These are the ones I must avoid getting caught up with, best just to say hi and then let them go on their merry way. “How you doing Mr negative thought not today I’m far too busy to entertain you” they do become like persistent cold callers in my head,, the problem with those is you have to answer the phone to know they are there. 😭

Despite all this I remain positive, I wear my armour of gratitude kindness and love of the world. I have faith that the universe will smile kindly at me and see me through this. I suppose you could say my appreciation of life has just risen a bit further. It would be easy to just say I’ve had enough and roll over and let cancer tickle my tummy with its icy inhumane claws but that ain’t me.

I know that where I place my attention with my mind and thoughts I feel my illness so I do the opposite and place my attention away from this struggle and focus instead on what’s going good in my world which I can assure you is plenty. It’s just another injection that’s all every month. It’s just another thing that is fighting for me not against me. If I sit down too long and really think I can easily think myself into trouble. I can create all kinds of horrors and experiences that may or most likely may not happen. My mind is an expert at creating the worst case scenario but I’ve learned to tame it and turn it around, I guess it’s like breaking in a horse like you see in the western movies of old,the mind is the horse, at first he is stubborn and kicks out but with time he learns it’s actually better to surrender and not fight and then he enjoys the peace of a mind when it’s feeling quiet and calm. The world for me is a better place when I’m focusing on the present moment rather that conjuring up all sorts of cancer led illusions of fear and worry.

Today is a beautiful day, the weather is beautiful, the universe has painted the sky a deep sea blue and erased the clouds, this is how my mind feels too. Cancer is not on my agenda today unless I invite it in which I have no intentions of doing, I have to be careful as he sometimes just slips in through the door if I leave it open enough, today it’s firmly shut and will stay that way no matter what. When I sleep I purposefully fill my head with images of the good stuff so that cancer can’t invade my dreams, the more I allow it in the more stronger it gets and I just can’t have that. I believe with all my heart that the less I pay attention to it the less strength it will have to invade my body. My thinking holds a most powerful key which cancer must not be allowed to use.

The fight goes on, no retreat, no surrender, no white flag!

Love Woody ❤️