The cancer storm

Boom, goes the thunder, my room lights up as lightning flashes dazzle. I close my eyes tight and yet I can still see the lightning flashes their brilliance is astounding tonight. I get out of bed and get ready to watch the most majestic show on earth as a fired-up atmosphere lets lose. It’s the first storm of the summer. The storm raging outside is a bit like the storm going on inside my body. The pain has dialed up a few notches this week. My doctor is concerned so it’s off for another MRI scan tomorrow. When you have cancer, you can’t stop that nagging fear, of what’s happening inside. This week I’ve felt a couple of extremely sharp and nasty pains in my groin area. These pains are new, they are scary and I don’t like them one bit. Here we go again the worry machine is switched back on just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, the shark inside of me awakens.

I’m positive that it will be ok, but living with my cancer has taught me one thing and that is you just can’t let your guard down for one minute. It’s hard work always feeling like you are always on the edge just another step from falling down the ladder of good health. I’m doing all I can to keep climbing that ladder but every once in a while, I slip and fall down a bit. I just have to hold on tighter to the rails and haul myself back up again. Cancer is a tease, it makes you feel like you are on top and then in an instant, it can take a swipe at you that knocks you back down a few rungs, but you must hold on because letting go is just not an option. I watch as mother nature paints the sky with another incredible flash of superpowered light.

This week has been a struggle, I don’t mind admitting that. Sometimes you just have to stand up look at yourself in the mirror and say Woody I’m struggling here just a bit. The strangest thing is when you make that realisation and you accept you are struggling the burden feels lighter. There are very few people you can talk to about this stuff, you just must hold yourself together and accept when you don’t feel great. Ironically, I’m struggling because I’m not working this week, when I’m at work I don’t have time for cancer but when I’m at home all day it feels that cancer sure has plenty of time for me. It sneaks into the corners of my mind when I’m least expecting it to, there is nothing you can do, you just have to let it have its 5 minutes worth, and then it goes away, but if, if you dare to pay too much attention to it for just a touch too long then it’s all over you like some insidious invisible rash, and it won’t let go.

I have another MRI scan today, yesterday I had my monthly PSA blood test, you can’t help but feel vulnerable at this time, it’s much the same every month. I’m going to have to snap out of this feeling sorry for myself although I have every right to be that way. I can’t let my cancer overrun the positive thoughts that I have managed to keep so well for so long. The MRI will reveal if anything is wrong, the problem is I feel that something has shifted in my body. I hope I’m wrong, it’s just cancer’s way of just reminding me, hey Woody I’m still around just letting you know in case you think you have beaten me. I had another chat with it yesterday, it was emotional I wonder if it could possibly feel sorry for me. I told it about my children, they will need me as they go through what is every young girl’s transition into becoming an adult. They might need a shoulder to cry on or just a gentle pat on the back from their dad to say everything is going to be ok. Thank God they have an amazing mum. This is my biggest fear, cancer I ask, don’t take that from me or them, it doesn’t reply, just leaves me hanging.

I’m doing my best though; the thoughts have become more negative this week and my energy has vanished into thin air. I’m on my own a lot. I know this is just a temporary blip, I feel better letting the thoughts come out through my fingers as they form the words and sentences of this blog. I would encourage anyone in a tough situation to write a diary or a blog of some kind, you don’t have to publish it. It allows my feelings a place to escape instead of being bottled up, growing more and more negative. Writing helps me to empty the jar of thoughts, unscrew the lid, and set them free.

I feel better already, strangely enough, the storm has passed too. The occasional flash of lightning is followed by lengthening silence waiting for the next roll of thunder. The storm sounds exhausted as indeed am I, my fatigue has hit hard this week. I could stay in bed 24 hours a day but that’s just not right, I must force myself to get up and get moving. I have felt exhausted all week just like the storm my energy has died on me.

I’m sitting outside now; it’s morning and I’m reading back the words I typed last night. Wow, I got a bit emotional, but the blog has always been from the heart and my thoughts are what they are. It’s got that after storm feeling, the air is calm in fact even the birds are holding their breaths waiting for something to happen. I have more energy this morning, but not much. I’m sitting drinking a cup of green tea. I like to sip tea and relax and clear my mind. I have the MRI in a couple of hours, strangely I’m not too worried. My worries all got written down and typed out last night. Yes, typing or writing out your thoughts is good for the soul.

It’s strangely quiet, almost eerily so, it’s like the world has not quite woken up yet. The time is 8 am so it’s not early. It’s one of those days that can’t seem to make up its mind what it wants to be. I have a feeling if the sun breaks through it will be very warm, for now, it’s just waiting for its chance. There are lots of puddles, it must have rained very heavy, it’s cleared the air, just as the storm has cleared the air on the outside so my mind is so much clearer on the inside.

The MRI is over I think that’s my 4 th one but I’m not really counting. I don’t know why but it was definitely the worst. My back was hurting and most of all so was the site where I had the HRT injection on Tuesday which was red and swollen (it stays like this for about 3 or 4 days) so holding still for nearly an hour was incredibly tough. I did however let my thoughts settle and it got easier. I was in the machine for about an hour, I felt weak, shaky, and unable to drive home just yet so as I write this now, I’m having a coffee in the hospital canteen watching hospital life doing it’s thing. Angels everywhere rushing about tending to the needy and sick. The patients in various levels of unease wondering around, some with the world clearly dragging behind them as if connected to a giant invisible chain. I wonder if any of them has just been told they have cancer or indeed if any has just been given the all-clear. I can only imagine what that will feel like, I’ve got a strong imagination and I know it will feel pretty good. Imagine having all of the problems and worries that have been living with you for so long suddenly lifted off your shoulders in one go and that would be close.

Before I leave this post if you have been following my blog since the start you will notice as I’ve come to realize just how much my writing changes with my swings in both mood and health. Today is Friday, it’s the first day I’ve woken up feeling invigorated and really to go out and face the world. This week has left me feeling exhausted and really struggling to get out of bed. I thought it was just the fact that I’m not working but now I think it’s something else. These hormone injections and tablets really play havoc with my system, I suppose it’s like putting the wrong oil in an engine it just doesn’t run properly. Last night I took some vitamin supplements which I had ordered, I don’t know if it’s because of the high dose of vit c I took or something else. The other thing I did was to give myself a good talking to, I knew that this week was not a good one and accepted that but enough is enough, I can’t spend all day just laying down and so I told myself that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. I don’t know quite what happened but what I do know for sure is something is right about me today that just hasn’t been right about me all week.

The mind is my most powerful friend as well as my worst enemy when dealing with this day-to-day stuff. I know this and something upset the apple cart somewhere along the road this week. It’s a good learning point to move forward on. Every thought defines us, we can think about our situations in two ways, one we can think of all the negatives we can find and that will ensure that the experience that follows our thinking will be a negative one. We can also choose to think positively about our situations and the experience that we have will start to become more positive. If you are reading this and going through some hard times try to see the positives, even if they are small amongst the many negatives. The positives will grow and outnumber the negatives. Each and every one of us has that power within us to choose to think positively even when it seems impossible to do so. Remember nothing is impossible and anything is possible.

Love Woody ❤️