An emotional night

I wrote this a few nights ago when my emotions were all over the chart , I wasn’t going to post it but then I thought the blog is all about living with my cancer and this is sometimes what it’s like an emotionalvrollercoaster, I’ve been fine how ever since letting the emotions out.

Wednesday sometime at night

I’ve been for a walk today, I’m ashamed to say it’s the first proper walk for weeks. It’s funny but when you stop doing something that requires you to put some effort into it just how difficult it is to start up again it’s like an old car that’s been left a little too long and won’t start just when you need it. I’ve been putting off going for a walk all week I don’t know why I just have. Work has taken it out on me I think and though I’m incredibly grateful to be back at work I’m afraid that long walks and work are not made for each other anymore, at least for a while, who knows things may change.🙏

I find it sad, but I have to listen to my body and my body really is not playing the game I want it to play or telling me what I want to hear, it’s saying I’m afraid it’s not work and play Woody it’s work or play. I guess untill yesterday I didn’t realise how weak I’ve become either, don’t get me wrong I’ve never been no Arnie Schwarzenegger but yesterday I decided to try and follow a few gentle warm up exercises that precede a session of Tai Chi, I never made it to the Tai Chi, my body is so rigid it feels like an old broken grey tree, you know the ones you find dying in the Forrest where you can just snap the branches. I’m desperate to do something, exercise is on my list of must do’s. I suppose although my cancer has been quiet for a while now, it’s left me alone or so I thought, yet silently it’s been doing it’s thing in the background slowly and relentlessly weakening me. I notice walking up the stairs leaves me short of breath and a few days ago someone called as I reached the top of the stairs and I struggled to talk to them my breath coming in short gasps. I’m 55 for fucks sake (apologies Mum) my dad who is in his 80s is far fitter than I am. 😂 This is I suppose is the price to pay for living with cancer, I suppose in the grand scheme of things it could be a whole lot worse, in fact I know it could be far worse. Sometimes I forget to be grateful😥

I decided to make the decision to not hate my cancer, it’s one of the things that the sudden healers who went into remission all said they did. It’s not easy to not hate something that feels like it’s literally sucking the life energy from you. I’m going to have a chat with it tonight, it’s been a while since I spoke to it I’ve spoke at it but not with it. I’m not going to go down on my bended knee to plead with it either I’m need to be on level terms not crawling for mercy and showing my weakness, perhaps it might take pitty on me, who knows ! But am I looking for pitty I’m not sure, I guess I’m looking for some kind of understanding between it and me. Should I just say me as it’s part of me, it’s not seperate from me, it lives off of me doesn’t it! I know when I talk to it I’m going to be kind, I’m not going to get angry and mean. I’m going to really try to listen to what it has to say. Is it crazy a man talking to his cancer? Well if it helps in some small way then why not. I’ve come to the conclusion that I invited it in to my life, I’ve had a lot of pent up negative feelings that stretch back many years. My thoughts are that the more you build up the negative emotions inside then the more likely cancer or some other disease will come knocking. This also seems to be recognised now as medical fact.

I’m sounding a bit pitifull tonight, sometimes you need someone to take your hand or put a gentle and loving arm around you and say it’s going to be ok. I’ve not seen my mum or dad now for nearly 3 years, I need a hug from both, that would be really nice you know. I’ve never wanted a hug from my mum and dad, I’ve managed to get to 55 with out needing one, I’m sure I’ve had plenty when I was a kid, my memory doesn’t allow me to see them though, I’ve forgotten the feeling of a proper mum and dad hug. I’m writing tonight because I’m feeling bloody sorry for myself I’m sure tomorrow will be ok. It’s funny but right now in this very moment I can honestly say I’ve never felt more alone in my life. It’s just this very second that I feel so small and alone, it’s difficult to describe. Everyone in the house is asleep as I silently weep for a comforting thought or a hug from someone. My silent world where everything is going ok on the outside but inside I’m not so sure. Cancer does this to you, at times you feel so alone because who wants to hear your stories of woe and frustration and frightened anguish, and feelings that have no description which keep you company when you are on your own. They often wait till it’s dark to invade my mind, I’ve often put on a brave face all day, sometimes I think I could win an Oscar for best actor, I wonder how many people with cancer turn into amazing actors during the day. 🎥

I’m laying here in a bit of a mess, it will be alright tomorrow though, it’s ok to be a mess every so often. You can’t be brave all the time you can’t kid yourself that it’s all ok all the time. Perhaps I need to be in a mess to let it all out, I try to keep it from my family, I don’t want them to see me in this way. My head is thumping it’s like I can feel my heart beat in my ears, it’s like being in a washing machine, spinning around as the noise thumps at each cycle. When we cry we get this strange echo in our heads, its like our emotions are banging on the door begging to be released, thump thump they go, I’m searching for the key to let them go and set them free, to set me free too. Tonight is a blip, a chance to open the emotional valve that’s been screwed so tight for too long. The strange thing is everything is going great medically, on paper. I should be feeling great. Tonight I feel I’m letting myself down and this blog that I write to make others feel better, is it letting them down too? Ive always said this blog is from the heart, I write how I feel, I write the first thing that comes into my mind and as I’ve said so often my writing takes over everything and I’m just the conduit for my thoughts to appear in front of me across the page. The rough with the smooth the better for the worse. It’s ok to feel like this I’ve earned that right in the last 7 months, tonight I chose to feel this way, tomorrow I chose to be back to my old self again it’s my choice no one else’s. The beautiful thing about being a human is we can have the choice to be what we want, feel what we want and think what we want, no one can stop that and that empowers me to know tomorrow is another day the birds will wake me up and my thoughts will be good, of that I’m sure. I’m going to sleep now, I feel a bit better knowing I’ve let out some emotion, I feel calmed now and ready to sleep, without this blog tonight sleep would have been hard to find. Negative emotions need a place to go they can’t stay locked up inside of us with nothing to do except cause harm. It’s like opening a window when you get too hot in the summer time, breathe in the clean fresh air and breathe out the negative emotions and make peace with your world.

Night night

Love Woody ❤️