Thinking back

Another week has passed, another week where just living a normal life is just so very very fine. Another week living with cancer and another week being back to work sitting in the hot seat teaching my students to drive ambulances. This week for the secamb ambulance service, I’m so very very lucky.

Pure job satisfaction

There is no finer feeling than helping someone to achieve something. My job gives me that feeling and knowing these incredible students will then go out and save lives just fills me with a humble pride that overwhelms me at times. I always ask why do you want to be an ambulance driver and the answer nearly always is the same from every student ” because I want to help people” . What more noble cause is there?

A great week, but takes its toll

The last two days have been a real challenge , both Thursday and Friday ended up being 3 hour journeys back due to crashes. I’m grateful I could manage the pain. Just minor irritating pain, just sitting waiting for the traffic to move on. My back brace seems to be supporting me so well and for that I thank it and the doctor who suggested it, he wears one himself for his own back problems.

As I was sitting in the traffic again a feeling of pure gratitude washed over me, you must think I’m mad to be grateful for sitting in traffic when all around me were drivers There is no finer feeling than helping someone to achieve something. My job gives me that feeling and knowing these incredible students will then go out and save lives just fills me with a humble pride that overwhelms me at times. I always ask why do you want to be an ambulance driver and the answer nearly always is the same from every student ” because I want to help people” . What more noble cause is there? who clearly were agitated and upset. The simple truth is I’m just so bloody grateful to be given the chance to be stuck in traffic🙏

So tired

It did however fully take it out on me, I got home and just collapsed on the couch drifting in and out of sleep for an hour, believe me I could not move even if I wanted to, all energy completly drained from my entire body. It’s a strange feeling when you are fully conscious but unable to muster the strength to just get up and move. So, after taking my evening meds I crawled up the stairs to a dreamless unconscious sleep which was instantaneous. I only woke 13 hours later when my wife woke me to say you need to get up to take the car in for a service. Even after all that sleep I needed to be reawoken again.

I drove the car in for a service and then walked back

Recalling memories

As I walked back I kept recalling the dark days of 6 months ago and more. The darkest time of my life. I had a tears in my eyes as I had a flashback to the time when I was stuck on the floor for 6 hours barely able to move and in such intense pain waiting for an ambulance. wondering what the hell was going on with my body. Why is it so painful to move what have I done to deserve this torture. I flashed back to the times when I could just about manages to crawl to the shower to take a wee because I couldn’t stand up and use the toilet, a few times I didn’t make it and just sat there and pissed myself😭 how can this be happening is all I could think in my confused and frightened mind.

That world I was living in was a far more frightening one than the one I find myself in now. Not knowing what was causing all those endless weeks of torment. Working and then having to lay on the floor outside the ambulance or inside if it was wet outside. Trying my best to do exercises my osteopath had given to me to help free my back from the horendous pain it was giving me, all the time believing it was just sciatica.

Being diagnosed with cancer came as a relief, at least I could understand what was happening to me. Two tumours in my spine were eating me alive, no wonder I was in such agony. The radiation therapy zapped them considerably. I am now so very very grateful that I can live my life relatively pain free. The tiredness is just a small price to pay in the evenings. The pain is manageable, I’m used to it now it’s just a part of me and I accept it. Some days it talks to me loudly, I have learned to shut it up, ignore it and it grudgingly obliges.

Spring has sprung

I live my life now as if it’s gone. I’m sitting here now feeling the early spring sunshine bathing me in its natural healing light. My dear Robin hasn’t been back since I started work three weeks ago. I just know he’s got far more important things to do. Perhaps he’s sitting in someone else’s garden now, looking at someone with those intelligent brown eyes and communicating life in a way that’s totally not understandable to anyone else untill you’ve spent time with him, as I used to. He was sent to me by the universe, for that I’m sure and totally thankful.♥️

There is a gentle breeze blowing the sun is hot but the air is still cold. The sky is an azzure canvas with a few incredibly white brush strokes of whispy clouds scattered on it. The feeling of life is strong today. The feeling of gladness is powerful today. Today I really feel at one with the universe, I can sense it flowing through me giving me strength hope and love, it’s hard to explain to someone this feeling. Do you have to have stage four cancer to feel it? I don’t think so, you just have to open your heart and accept what you have and be thankful for what you have got and certainly not get so upset and fixed on what you can’t have.

I can see clearly now

Thinking back to those dark and scary days that were the most darkest days of my life I can’t believe that despite everything I’m now in the brightest days of my life, despite living with cancer.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone, one of my all time favourite tunes has just popped up into my head and certainly sums up my feelings right now. Please just have a listen to this beautiful song, just take a few minutes out of your life to close your eyes and listen with your heart ♥️

Speak soon

Love Woody ❤️