Mixed emotions

It’s a beautiful day again , I sat out in the garden for a while with a cup of tea , chai tea to be more precise. The tree has lost all of it’s leaves and is naked, it did look a bit embarrassed when I looked at it this morning, the last 3 leaves have given up hanging on and floated down to join their mates, 🍂adding to the leafy blanket on the floor. 🍁The tree looks cold to me and maybe is waiting for a blanket of snow to keep it warm, I wonde what trees think of global warming, most of them have been around a fair bit and I’m sure they have memories of winters old and cold to share. I r❄️🛷

I’ve decided to resume my Tai chi practice I used to do Thai chi a lot but like a lot of things I grew too busy to keep doing it, the truth is I didn’t allow the time to do it. It’s a moving meditation, I think it’s ideal for me as I’m physically limited by what I can do, most forms of exercise are off limits to me at the moment, Thai chi is perfect, it makes me feel good and the movement is a form of exercise. I got reasonably good a few years ago and I was surprised how my muscle memory connected back to it, although my legs had the dexterity of a knew born foal to begin with, I think it’s important at this stage to get moving again rather than just light walking. I can feel how week my arms and legs have become, don’t get me wrong I’ve never been no Arnie 💪

The afternoon I was joined by Ed a friend of mine to go on the Samaritans challenge , we walked 4 km, starting from my house sdowm to the river Medway and then up to McDonald’s looking forward to a nice cup of coffee. Well I don’t think it’s ever happened before but McDonald’s didn’t have any coffee , nothing at all as the machine had broken down, I nearly asked if they could just pop the kettle on 😃 we walked back along the river and sat on a bench. Ed was great at pointing out the different types of birds, we sat and tried but we couldn’t will Sammie the seal out to see us. I’ve named it Sammie , I’m not a seal biologist and couldn’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl seal I’ve often seen on my visits down to the river, Sammie could be a boy or girl name I suppose.  The river was beautiful the weather was beautiful, I won’t say Ed was beautiful 😃but the time spent sitting there was, so thanks again Ed.🙏

Thursday 5am 

I’ve slept through nicely and have woken shivering cold, the spare room loses heat so much quicker at night, and it’s a combination of me having hot flushes and then feeling cold after. It’s no point putting warmer clothes on to sleep, I think that would make it worse. I’ll have to ponder this one out as the nights are going to get colder.

Whisper it quietly but there might be some snow on the way.😃❄️❄️❄️😃

Tomorrow I’m off for a covid test and then I must self isolate strictly for 3 days, no more walks for a while, so this will be a difficult 3 days , this is so that next week I can go for my biopsy, must say that doesn’t fill me with joy😂so I’m going to be stuck in my room, so thinking of stuff to do, I’ve got to finish editing my book. 

Finishing designing the tile , it’s nearly done almost there , and hopefully publish it next week if all goes well, that should take up my time productively.

The other thing I’ve recently discovered is an app called Feratel webcams and I can now at the press of a button fly off to ski resorts and see live webcam footage at hundreds of ski resorts and other places cities lakes and beaches in the world. It’s great for mindfulness too,looking at the amazing scenery, at the moment there is a lack of snow in most of the resort’s except the highest levels, but it’s coming in about a week or so time. So they say.

The rest of the day has been nice, the weather is beautiful once again, sat out with a cup of green tea 🍵today ,apparently it’s got a lot of good things going for it which is fine by me, I drink it as it comes and I like the taste of it but not quite as much as chai.☕

Spent a nice hour or so with my neighbour who popped round for a visit , we had a really nice conversation about life and stuff especially about positivity.♥️

I think the power of positivity is so either misunderstood or unknown. Positivity litterally changes your life and the big misunderstanding about all this is the fact it’s not what happens to us that makes us negative its the way we deal with what happens to us on the inside that decides if we are negative or positive.

I think I must be a classic example of this. So for anyone reading this blog you know I’ve got advanced prostate cancer right, so I should feel negative about my life but I don’t. Why ? Well it’s simply because of the way I’m processing it in my mind and that’s purely and simply how I’m thinking about it.

If I think it’s going to make me miserable and die slowly then that’s what I’m going to get and I won’t be positive about it. Now it could make me die slowly and miserable but I’m still looking for every single positive I can out of this and believe me I’ve found plenty and that’s what’s controlling my experience through all of this. I hope that makes sense 🙏♥️

Night 💤😴🛌 I might be back if sleep doesn’t come easily but I’m feeling very tired and sore, so I’m going up early. One thing that is great is lying in bed takes the soreness away it’s only when I’m sitting for long periods of time.🙏♥️

It’s 3am  and I’m awake again, this is probably the steroids , but this time I’m feeling quite annoyed, it’s not a nice being awake feeling, I’m hot sweaty and cold almost simultaneously.😭Normally waking at night hasn’t bothered me but tonight I feel a bit like a prisoner in my mind. The door to sleep is firmly locked and I’m desperate to get out and go to sleep. 

It’s disturbing rather than peacefull. My words are coming out negative tonight, I can’t help that otherwise I would be writing a lie. Perhaps this is what I need tonight to write my negativity out of my system. 

I’ve even tried visualising a favourite place but that’s not working , it’s like wherever I’m trying to visit in my mind has this negative overlay  sitting on top of it like a sad fog.☁️

Strange really because usually I’ve enjoyed this time of night to write my thoughts out. Well they’re are certainly flooding out but not in the usual positive way. I suppose it’s just a case of not feeling positive all the time and I’ve just woken up in one of those low moods. I’m in that danger of trying too hard to sleep which only makes things worse. 

It’s not that I’ve got to be up early for anything , I’m having the Covid swab at 10am at the hospital drive through, they don’t cause me any bother anymore, I did used to really dislike them but not any longer, again my mind just thinks they are being done to protect me and other people. I’m now classed as being immuno suppressed, had to look that one up when it showed up on a recent NHS letter to me, so I’m guessing they are a good idea. 

The next 3 days of self isolation is bothering me I suppose. It’s annoying because it’s over the weekend and the kids are home and I can’t do anything with them which is precious time in my world right now. Yeh that’s hit the nail on the head of why I’m not too happy tonight, it’s probably been growing in my subconscious mind without me being aware. Funnily enough as I’m writing about it I can feel a weight lifting and my mind is becoming lighter. It’s just one weekend and it’s for the benefit of fixing something in the future , without this biopsy, further down the line I could be in real trouble and lose more that just a few days from my kids.

The kids are my goal to getting through this so a few days without being able to be with them and spend some quality time is a small price to pay in the scheme of things. ♥️

I’m sorry to unload my burdons and thoughts this way , but I realised some time ago that this blog came about as a way of helping me to cope and if it helps someone else to cope in a similar situation then that’s great, I also realise how my emotions change a lot, sometimes the blog has a lot of humour , sometimes it has a bit of real sensitivity and hurt. It’s all real and spoken as it is and for that I feel I shouldn’t be sorry ♥️

Strangely I often miss being in the hospital , it gave me so many opportunities to feel grateful and kind to people , which was my way of handling this situation. Now I find it difficult to find those opportunities but I do my best.🙏

I’m am so grateful for starting this as it gives me an out flow to release these emotions and that is so important for me in this current situation and I hope it encourages others to do the same. The alternative would be to roll over and slowly die and we can’t be having that, can we ! 😢