Lonely

Today is the loneliest I think I’ve ever been. My wife and girls are off on a skiing trip with the school my wife works at. I never expected to feel this way. Loneliness is like an illness, it takes over silently shrouding you in a haze of desperation. It loves cancer sufferers and loves to invade their thoughts and feelings, as if cancer isn’t enough to deal with on its own.

I can’t explain the depth of loneliness I’ve felt today. It’s like being in a black hole with no light at the end. A black fog of fear and terror swept over me today. Alone with my thoughts which were pretty frightening. Cancer thoughts are not pleasent at the best of times but when you have the house all by yourself they tend to gang up on you.

I try so hard to keep strong and keep it all together but today it all just went to shit. I’ve not even ventured out the front door today I’ve just been watching stupid films, the type that make you want to cry. I’m not sure why I’m inflicting this on myself.

The house is so quiet this evening, I’m all cried out for today. I’ve finally closed the door to cancer thoughts for a while. My head was in a mess today. Cancer wouldn’t leave me alone for a second. I’ve got a headache, the emotions have turned into a pounding headache I feel lost and defeated. Tomorrow I’ll go again. Another day in this cold house. It feels so cold without the children and my wife.

I ordered an Indian takeaway I thought it would make me feel better. For the first time ever I couldn’t eat it it. I’ve left it in the fridge for tomorrow. I guess this is depression. The black cloud is inside my home today, it’s been following me everywhere I go. It won’t go away it’s like it wants to play with me I just want to sleep. I’m tired and have had zero energy today it’s not been one of my best days as you can probably tell. But I said I was going to share my thoughts and feelings good and bad.

I’m missing my family terribly. I want to be with them. Skiing used to be my life it’s so unfair to see the amazing pics they are sending back from the Alps. It’s so unfair. I thought I would be the one who would take them skiing one day. My latest MRI rules that out as it appears another fracture has appeared in my back. My bones are getting weak from this disease, they click so badly when I move. The fracture is small but it’s there and the docs are amazed I’m not in any pain. I must be thankful for that. We are hoping it was caused by the falls I had a few weeks ago and not by the disease. I think it was the falls on the ice I had that day just before Christmas.

Today will be a blip tomorrow I’ll be back fighting strong. I know the bad days are few and far apart for that I’m so grateful. I feel as if the world was closing in on me today tomorrow I’m going for a walk with my sister and the beautiful Wolfie. He’s a rescue greyhound he’s brave and knows a thing or to about what it’s like to be terrified. Being brave is being able to admit you are scared I always thought it was a sign of weakness to admit you are scared now I know how untrue that is.

I’m happy for my family, I’m happy that they are happy. The pictures bring back memories. I spent 10 winters working in the Alps as a ski guide and rep. I always thought I would go back for another blast down the mountains. I used to be pretty good at it. My eldest daughter Ella has been moved up to an intermediate class today she’s only ever skied on artificial snow I guess she’s got her dad’s skiing genes⛷️. It seems my youngest daughter Nieve is also doing well, I’m so proud of them. I also have to mention my wife who I don’t talk about much in these blogs but she won’t read them and I have to admit I miss her so much❤️. We were going through a rough patch, cancer wrecks everything. It’s just as hard on our loved ones as it is for us who live with it inside our bodies, it lives inside our loved ones minds as well.

Well that’s my thoughts out in the open and I must say I feel a bit better for expressing how I was feeling today. I find the blog is good for unburdening the soul. Cancer likes to think it rules over us but it only strengthens if we give it permission. Tomorrow I’ll tell it I’m not scared and put on that brave image I’ve gotten so good at doing. Tomorrow is a new day and a new page in my book of life. What is written on those pages is up to me not my cancer. So untill the next time, I promise to try and be a bit more brave.

“Promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens. No matter how hopeless.”
– Titanic (1998)

Love Woody ❤️