More thoughts about my cancer.

I’m writing this to take my mind away from the pain that’s searing through my head this very moment. The night ritual of my wife carefully and I know reluctantly rubbing in the cream that is burning away these cancer cells that have decided to lodge on my head, rent free of course, bloody cheek😀 Good news it appears to be working I think tonight was the 11th night of this horrible routine but the cells are shrinking at least on the surface. Pain is a strange old thing, I’ve never been very good with it to tell the truth. I’ve always been a low threshold type when it comes to pain. Not anymore though. I have various pains that come and go, the thing is I do my best not to follow them as I used to.

The slightest pain used to cause me to fixate on it, giving it strength when perhaps it had no right to have any but, not any more. I’ve learned these last 16 months or so since it all started at the beginning of 2021 with a slight twinge in my lower back that just grew into a monster, I’ve learned to do my best not to follow it because I know it wants to take me someplace I’ve no wish to go. No thanks I say, not today, I’ll just get off on the next stop if it’s ok by you Mr pain.

I should be telling you about my latest PSA score, if you are new to all this it’s a blood test I’m given once a month that measures the level of prostate antigen in my blood. Basically it tells me on a monthly basis if I’m good for another month or if my cancer has decided to wake up and have another go at me. My oncologist tells me this type of cancer always comes back, I say to her not with me it won’t believe me I think she’s starting too. The reason I’m not telling you about my latest score is because something went wrong and I’m most likely going to have another test to recheck it. I would have been a wreck a year or so ago if I had heard this but to be truthful to you now I find myself more and more not really given it a second thought. I have a life to live I don’t want cancer to be the center of attraction.

I saw my niece today in a Christmas panto, she was fabulous I felt very proud that she was up there on a stage entertaining people. My sister is one very proud mum today.

Overall a fantastic weekend full of the feeling of Christmas. I’m so grateful for another Christmas and hope I’m allowed many more. It’s strange you know just how much this cancer has turned my life around. At first it turned it upside down but now it’s made me see things with so much more clarity. I have a lot of good feelings and love to give out I want to help others. Cancer is often viewed as such a nasty thing and it’s completely understandable but I believe you have to search and take the positives that you can find. At first it may seem hopeless and how the hell can you find positives in an illness that’s killing you much quicker than you ever expected. It’s tough but the positives are there, it’s like a chink of light when you open the door it’s there and it slowly grows the more you open the door.

Christmas has always been a magical part of my life. It seems even more magical this year, we decorate the house inside and out with lights it looks rather good. It feels nice, cancer can’t beat these feelings it can’t take them away even though it may try hard too. I hold on to good memories and make new ones ready to be stored away for when I need them.

This might seem strange coming from someone with stage 4 cancer but it’s how I truly feel right now I don’t fear cancer it’s almost as if I’m going to win this with no doubt. I think cancer is caused in the main by blocked physical emotional and spiritual energy that has been allowed to grow. Perhaps I’m unblocking that energy. I think to unblock it you have to have complete belief that you are going to be ok. You have to firstly find that belief through positivity. The more positivity that is allowed to flow the more belief is let in. I guess it’s all a bit of a Ying and Yang balance.

Sometimes I don’t feel so great I guess it’s understandable, but that’s when gratitude plays a huge part. I’m grateful just for the simple fact that I’m alive here and now writing this blog. Gratitude has become a huge power I have found, mightier than any sword it’s the one thing I can turn to knowing it gives me a shield of protection. I’ve found gratitude in things I never even considered before. I’ve realised just how much I’ve taken life itself for granted.

As I ramble on my mind jumps about, I’ve a million things to say but not a enough words to say them with. This is hard to say but I see so much hate in people with cancer. They want to fight it kill it destroy it. I’ve come to realise for me this is not the way forward. Hating something gives it energy, it will only grow and grow. It’s hard not to hate something that’s doing its best to kill you but perhaps it’s the opposite perhaps cancer is a wake up call. Have I been given cancer to wake me up and stop my endless obsession with putting earning money over everything else. I realise that for the last 20 years money has ruled my world, the constant fear of not having enough, worrying about futures that never happened, it’s dangerous because my understanding now is the more money I have the more I need. It can’t buy happiness because that’s got no price and yet the value is huge. Cancer has made me see there is so much more to life when it’s threatened to be taken away.

From now on I won’t fight, I won’t hate and I won’t want to destroy it. I’ve learned to live with it and recognise what positives it can give me. It’s a part of me whether I like it or not. I’m hoping once I can learn to be at peace with it and it’s shown me the lessons I needed to learn I can then let it go. I will leave it up to the universe to decide when that happens🙏

As always untill the next time stay positive kind and grateful.

Love Woody ❤️

Good news update

Before I disappear I’ve just got time to announce my blood test results from the re test I done this Tuesday. Happy to tell you my latest PSA level is now below 0.01 this means the cancer is barely traceable. I’ve been told many times not to get my hopes up this type of cancer will return, I disagree and will keep believing that untill I’m proved wrong. 🙏