Christmas spirit

Today I woke up felt great, heard the birds singing then I remembered I have cancer and the fear came flooding back, I had trouble getting going this morning, putting weight on my right leg was really painful for a few seconds the pain shot right up into my thigh as if my leg had been lasered. My god those first few steps were tough. This is all because of the damage done to my nerves by the cancer. I feel like I’m  fighting two separate things now cancer and sciatica. Sciatica is far worse but it won’t kill me. With cancer I’m just tired and a bit achy with sciatica it’s just plain horrible.

I had a real emotional breakdown this morning , it’s all getting on top of me this morning, stuff I should have done but forgotten, the drugs make me think irrationally , they hijack my memory and emotions and I couldnt stop myself from just having a mini break down. My wife is amazing and calm and she talked me through it this morning . It’s strange but nothing I do stops the negative emotions I realise they are a chemical reaction and I have to just let it go, don’t fight for control because that is not happening, the doctor said at the beginning it can be hard at first but you gradually get used to it, there’s me thinking the drugs were giving me an easy ride, the first couple of weeks I realise they were just settling in, making themselves at home.The hot flushes are just incredible I’m drenched in sweat for a few minutes then cold, I will live with this.

I’m grateful for my loving wife and daughters 

I’m grateful that the drugs are working on the cancer despite the side effects 

I’m grateful I understand that I need to let go and stop thinking I can be the master of a mind altering drug that does good and bad for me.

I’m grateful that I found walking in my life 

I’m grateful that sciatica eases when I walk 

I’m grateful I have a warm house with a roof over my head

There are lots of things to be grateful about despite that big black cloud that comes and goes. The roller coaster is back on full power, throughout the day I’m up and down, I’m grateful for the more ups than downs. 

I know gratitude is one of my weapons, it’s easy to just say I’m grateful for, there is always something to end that sentence as I’ve just demonstrated. Distraction is the key, I have to learn how to distract myself away from the negative stuff.

I feel that negativity is banging on my door, let me in its screaming. The drugs are it’s key. Once it opens the door , I have the weapons of gratitude kindness and positivity and not forgetting love. I’m thinking if I love my negativity if I’m grateful for it and I’m kind to it, instead of being hateful and angry at it, I figure it will turn around and open the door and then lock itself out for a while. It won’t want to co-exist  That’s what I can try next. 

It’s like a game of chess, pain makes its move , positivity counteracts it, the drugs make their move, again positivity blocks it. I can’t be negative about the drugs after all their soul purpose is to help me live longer. For that I have to be grateful despite the other effects that come with them. 

I’m expressing my thoughts exactly how they are in my head as I write. I don’t know if this will help people reading this. If you are having a hard time the one thing you have to do is keep positive , find something, some chink of light , some whisper in your head that tells you everything is going to be ok. You have to hang on to that positivity, no matter how small it is, hold on to it ,don’t let it go and it will start to grow, you will feel it growing just like I did today after a bad hour, everything changes, pain doesn’t stay when there’s positivity in you, thoughts change when you are holding on to that positivity.  🙏🌞

Thoughts float around, they change sides from negative to positive and neutral. Thoughts like to jump about they feed on negativity but they also feed on positivity. There is only one thing that feeds your thoughts and that is you. The drugs can change them but so can you.💊

Sounds like a real nightmare right ?

But it isn’t , most of the day is great. We always remember the hard times , that’s why it’s so important for anyone who is suffering out there to look for the positives in the day. 🌞

I went for three walks, two was on my own, one was to the shops and the best one was with my wife and girls , we went out to soak up the spirit of Christmas. All four of us having a stroll around the houses looking at the pretty lights ,🎅🤶 recharging our belief in christmas and the universe. I really believe more families should do this, you don’t see many others just walking with their children. I used to love this aspect of life when I lived in Italy , the families would often just go for a walk around the town square🚶🚶‍♀️🚶‍♂️ (Piazza) especially on a Sunday or a warm evening known as la passeggiata. My wife and I used to join in when we worked in Sorrento.🇮🇹

My wife and my youngest daughter built a gingerbread house this afternoon. 🏠These are all memories that I will go to when the dark cloud comes back. Lots of hugs today too. A hug contains its own magic. I cultivate memories, good magical ones and I store them ready. That black cloud won’t stay around too long next time, I’ll just shut my eyes and go into my imagination, I have loads of things stored in there ready to bring to life. Visualising a hug is the same as having a hug to your brain did you know that? It’s true, whatever you imagine it takes as being real. That’s a big reason why when we think negatively about ourselves it believes it as if it’s true. You can manipulate your brain , it’s incredibly complex but when it comes to imagination you can make it believe anything you tell it.🙏

I can’t feel any pain I say to my brain, it agrees and believes.

Did I mention the walk yesterday with a very good friend of mine Ricky, I know you read this Ricky I’ve just remembered a piece of wisdom you shared with me, I’ve been thinking about it on and off since then. If you are having a really bad time just go and  talk with someone just find someone to have a conversation with , open your phone book and ring☎️ someone keep going untill someone answers and then have a chat. I’ve often rang someone I’ve not spoken to in a while it’s a brilliant distraction the black cloud can’t cope with it and buggers off. Incidently, how many times have you just thought about someone you havnt talked to for ages and they suddenly ring you, that’s the universe connecting you, it was meant to happen in some unexplainable way.🙏

Just about to get up and see how this day is I feel better this morning , the cloud is not there I’ve been awake listening to the birds they have been going for it today, it’s like it’s a special occasion today and they want the world to know. My alarm wakes  me even though I’m already half awake it’s time for medication time to be grateful for every single tablet , they are all in their own little way helping me to fight. I feel the sciatic pain in my right leg saying good morning I say good morning back and ask it how it feels today, crazy I know but I swear it dials the pain down straight away as if it’s feeling guilty for trying to hurt me, it won’t hurt me today I have a feeling this battle is being one by me, ill be back this evening to tell you how the day has been , let’s hope it’s a good one, I have a good feeling. 🙏

I went for a walk to the town centre today, normally I would jump in the car it’s about a 20 minute car drive so walking is a fair old stroll. I listened to a story on the way there about a young man who beat cancer thought diet and complete life style change. It’s strange but his thoughts were exactly the same as mine. I wonder every day am I getting better or is the cancer getting worse?  You can’t help thinking like that, I guess all cancer sufferers have that thought. ❤️

It was a cold and foggy December morning the temperature a chilly 3 degrees centigrade. The air was icy cold , my not quite new bright blue jacket as always was doing its job in keeping me warm and dry, suddenly I got a hormonal hot flush , I felt my back and face go very warm in the freezing cold air, it was like my personal heater had switched on again and I could feel the sweat running down my back , a few minutes later and I was back in the freezer again. If you were to ask me why I walked it’s because I can and all the while I can I will, there are so many people who haven’t got that ability for one reason or another.

I only went into town to buy a card , two hours to get a card 😃

Exercise is important, I’m doing well on that, in fact my virtual walk to Lapland from Helsinki is now just over 10% completed and over 134,000 steps walked each one I believe is healing me.

I was tired when I got back but felt good that I had done the walk. I made another super anti cancer smoothie , this one came out bright green, almost a radioactive green, it was slightly different , I didn’t peel the tangerines this time I just threw them in whole along with lots of green veg and spices , it’s delicious but every now and then you get a piece of chewy peel, still it’s all good, right. It’s going to be difficult to keep to a strict diet of veg and fruit over Christmas , I’m going to stray a bit I feel , New Year’s day will be when I switch completely to a totally plant based diet. Ive done my research it’s the way to go for me. 🥒🍆🍅

Sciatica has woken up again, I’ve been sitting too long and now it won’t let me stand up, it feels like my right leg is breaking in two as I put my weight down on it, I laugh at the pain it’s better than crying and to think that this can never be fixed, I’m going to have to ask the universe about that we shall see. I’ve learned that to stand up I have to turn around about 90 degrees as I’m getting up that takes some of the pain away, you find these things out by trial and error.😧

We all watched pirates of the Carribbean good old Capt Jack Sparrow played brilliantly by Mr Dep. It was the first one, I haven’t seen it for years. ☠️

Just me and my youngest daughter went for our evening walk tonight it’s hard to get Nieve out the door so I was greatly surprised when she agreed to join me, wow that’s two nights in succession, it was icy cold and foggy but it was nice to see the christmas lights again and charging up the Christmas spirit.🎅🤶

The sciatica doesn’t affect me whilst I’m walking but as soon as I sit down for 10 mins or so it starts to affect my right leg , I can manage the sitting down but the getting back up is pissing me off now.😧

 I’ve decided to have an early night 

Feeling grateful that I can walk with little pain ❤️

I’m grateful for this blog ❤️

Im grateful for my lovely family❤️

I’m grateful for my comfortable warm bed  ❤️