Living with my cancer – Good news and not so good news

I’ve got some good news I’ll tell you later.😃

What a difference a day makes in my topsy turvy mind, the dark cloud had drifted away this morning. We are supposed to be going to see Mama Mia in the West end, family meeting we all decided it was best for us not to go due to the rising covid infections and me now coming under the label of immuno suppressed it would be a risk for us and in particular me to go.

 I felt awful as it was my fault that we were not going. I had a long think , catching covid would be a disaster for me at this present moment my immune system is sleeping and I don’t have the strength to fight something else. It’s not my fault I have cancer, it’s not my fault that some of the cells in my prostate decided one day to turn cancerous, not my fault they became agressive. I can’t blame anyone really it is what it is.

I was looking forward to seeing the show , I have a confession to make , my first record I brought back in the 80s was an ABBA one I had a massive love affair (in my head) with Agnetha, oh my she was my first love and there is a still a bit left in my heart for her to this day. She had a lot of sadness in her life, such a shame. 😓🙍

The girls went out and I was left alone with my thoughts again. The Grim Reaper thought appeared in my head again I got rid of him yet again by turning to food. Today’s smoothie was brocolli greens baby spinache an advocado banana apple tangerine huel powder and some other crushed seeds of fine powder.

It came out very green I can say that , I was wondering what would be the dominant colour and green won this contest on this occasion. Now the important bit was the taste, how do you describe heaven in a taste, all of those different ingredients somehow created heaven. I could taste everything on one go. My diet consists of these smoothies for breakfast and lunch time, tea is some kind of plant based meal tonight was the left over vegetable curry from the day before, that was amazing too, I’ll definitely be making that curry again soon. It was just a bunch of random ingredients spices and vegetables that combined nicely to make the most delicious and of course very healthy curry. In between that I drink lots and lots of water and take lots and lots of tablets. 

Today I felt better but then I had a pre arranged consultation with my oncology doctor which nobody had told me about as her secretary had forgot to send me the email. The doctor rang me with good and not so good news.

Good news first my PSA test result had shown a reduction my score was 3.1 this is a great outcome after only two weeks on Enzultamide the hormone drugs , thank you so much for doing a great job , those nasty cancer cells are on the retreat , I’m hoping soon they will be raising the white flag and giving in, come on universe you know you can do it.🙏

The not so good news , my pain in my right leg and lower back is caused by nerve damage this is unrepairable I’ve got to just live with it. I’m learning to not treat pain like it’s my enemy but instead I thank it for letting me know something’s wrong, it’s my personal health alarm. I am learning to think differently about my pain. In fact when I think about it I find it comes to life. I get pains shooting from my right hip down to my right ankle, it likes my right shin the most and my knee cap. I’m learning to live with it I’m learning to welcome it. I think it gets confused when I say hello to it, then it doesn’t know what to do. It’s so confused it goes away . This is something I’ve got to live with maybe even forever, she offered to up my morphine dosage, I’m not going to do that. Morphine although it helps it messes with your mind and body so I’m declining any more untill I absolutely need it, for now I’ll just continue with being kind to my pain messenger. Is my pain just a thought? Do you have to think about pain in order to get pain. I do know this the more I think it hurts the more it hurts the less I think of it the less I feel it, I’ll stick with that for now. 

I’m lying in bed, the weight has lifted, I’ve felt nothing but fear since my consultation with the urology Dr , I came away from that in fear. I didn’t feel brave I just felt scared, like a lost little boy, terrified. I usually just keep all these thoughts bottled up in an invisible jar in my mind, it’s so good to write them down and share it. It’s like a weight is lifted if I let it out in some way. I guess that many of us keep so much stuff bottled up inside that it almost becomes impossible to live life with all of those thoughts not having an escape. Writing a blog or a journal could help you as I know it does me.🌞

The Urology doctor didn’t fill me with any hope of a future I’ve been carrying that thought around me for nearly a week. The oncology doctor this evening told me nothings changed except my PSA level is falling the cancer cells are under attack and for now in retreat. 😱

I’m lucky I’m grateful for having the chance for a few more years on this beautiful planet. My future is unknown just as is every single person reading this. I can if you don’t mind pass on some advice, I’ve struggled with a lot of this and still do but I’m changing and trying🙏

I’ve read we are all born with cancer cells they just haven’t activated yet. Some activate early in life some later in life some in the middle and of course many never activate. I believe they are activated by your stress level and your bodies health. The word disease broken down dis -ease means you are are not at ease with yourself. The more bad stuff you put in you both body and mind the more likely those cells are going to wake up at some point. 

So, eat plenty of vegetables and fruit , drink lots of water. Don’t smoke don’t drink alcohol excessively. Keep your mind calm , keep it positive , keep being kind and be grateful for waking up each morning. Don’t work too hard, is it always worth it, trying to bring home a few extra quid and sacrificing that precious time that could be spent with your wife and children and other loved ones, put the phone away when you are at home and most importantly love yourself, money is not everything, stuff you buy won’t make you happy , you already have happiness it’s inside of you and it’s in your very next thought.❤️