The dark clouds wont go away

Wednesday

I guess you could call it a bit of depression, it’s an over used word in my opinion, my kids tell me they are depressed about homework or any small thing, they are learning the word far too easily, but when you have it no one’s opinion matters anyway. I feel like I don’t want to do anything, it’s like a heavy weight or a ball and chain is holding me down. Is this the side effects I was warned about? The biggest side effect is depression and anxiety , I’m really trying to fight it off, it’s hard to explain really I think the visit to the Urology doctor to discuss my biopsy results was the trigger for depression to jump in, combine that with the drugs and you have the perfect recipe.

I’m in that state where I cant be bothered and yet I am very bothered because I don’t want to feel like this. Increasingly I’m longing and wanting to go back to work. My back has been in a bad mood as well today it’s telling me things I don’t want to know, of course I’ve been avoiding asking the question what is agressive cancer, what does it do. 

I can only imagine my cancer cells are running around my prostate and my back and a few other places bullying the good cells. Ambushing them and beating them up, that’s aggressive isn’t it. Why are they so aggressive and being a so called expert on calming other people’s anxious mind what can I do to my cancer cells to chill them out a bit. Is there no ground rules or are they just allowed to run riot and pick on the other cells. I’m hoping my immune system gets its act together, what’s it been up to , it needs a kick up the backside. Come on immune system do your stuff please. Oh and why your doing your stuff you might want to give a few of my T cells a nudge. T cells don’t like cancer cells, I don’t like bullies so I’m on the T cells side.

Today I’ve been shopping with my Ella, we went shopping for anti cancer food my low mood lightens a bit.

I always find that when your feeling a bit down that you have to just try and do something , you have to make yourself useful. Being useful makes you feel a bit better, having some kind of purpose in the day is good, the first half of the day I would love to rewind, moping about feeling sorry for myself is not going to do anyone any good. I’m thankful that I’m aware of my mood and my depression. It’s tempory because I’m aware of it I can do something about so this afternoon I’m going to cook.

Firstly I made myself a cancer busting  smoothie.

The ingredients were an experiment 

Here goes 

Raw brocolli

Spinach leaves

Greens

Banana 

Frozen berries 

Huel powder 2 spoons 

Blended that lot up and this kind of green snot coloured liquid was the result , I have to say though it was really delicious, I’m not sure how but it worked, I will be drinking one of these every day from now on.

Next on my agenda was to cook up some tea for us all I’ve never cooked vegetarian curry before , so this was another experiment.

Oh my, I over done it with the measurements a touch it just about fits in the pan. This is the best curry I’ve ever made , it’s vegetarian.but it’s the best curry I’ve ever eaten and I can tell you I’ve eaten a few in my life time, it’s impressive that something vegetarian can be on my all time leaderboard of curry is incredible. Should I tell you the ingredients.🍅🍆🌭🥒

The ingredients are 

Obergine 

Butternut squash

Courgettes

Onions

Red peppers

Garlic 

Tomatoes

Coconut milk 

Curry powder 

Cumin

Tumeric

Tika masala paste 🍛

Wow it was a hit with the whole family, I think this will be on the menu again. I started to feel better , the cloud had lifted to a light mist. The feelings and thoughts were positive.🙏❤️

After evening meal the cloud came back again, I can’t explain why. I was feeling great one minute then bang the cloud came back and just hung around me all evening. I guess it’s the chemicals I’m taking that are responsible. It’s difficult when you feel like that and you have your family around you. I didn’t want to infect them so I went up to my room to watch some TV . It was late the girls were getting ready for bedtime I decided I needed to get out of the house for a while and so went for a walk. I should have done this earlier I hadn’t walked untill now, it’s late and this will probably explain my low mood today. The walk was fantastic , the nagging pain dissapeared and the weight on me became lighter and lighter until I felt I was free and my walking was effortless. I walked three times around the estate that’s just shy of 5km. Walking was the answer, I had discovered the perfect antidote to the poison in my mind. 

I came home and wrote this blog , the perfect end to a mixed day. Not quite a roller coaster of emotions day more like a steam train chugging up and down its tracks going nowhere slowly on a wet day. Tomorrow will be better, that’s for sure.❤️