Early morning thoughts about thinking.

The bed is feeling soaked with my sweat thanks to these hot flushes I’ll be shivering next as the flush dies down, it’s going to get real interesting soon when they put me on a stronger hormone injection. I’m going to melt then freeze on and off all day , the joys of the male menopause😄

My mind is feeling a bit better, it’s hard to say I’m in a good place, I guess I am and then I’m not. It’s strange because I thought I was a master at controlling the mind , I used to teach it , mindfulness is hard when you are a cancer sufferer , I try but it’s not as easy as it once was. I realise though it’s ok to not be mindful , I can no longer control my thoughts just like I can not control the weather. The weather does what it does and so does my thinking. I win a few meditation battles. But I’m ok with losing a few, the trick to meditation is to not try too hard. ⛅

Every now and then I get what I’ve come to call the grim reaper thoughts, he pops up just when you are unaware, he loves to try and ruin the moment. I notice he appears when I’m at my most vulnerable, I will be looking at one of my daughter’s with pure love ❤️ and he will try to ruin the moment. The grim reaper thoughts try their best but they just have no chance against the love thoughts or the kindness and gratitude thoughts, no chance. He thinks that love is weak , he waits for the moment , he’s finding it harder and harder now, when the grim reaper thought tries to jump in I just let him go, I don’t try to understand what he’s telling me I just act like he’s not there, I make out he has no importance in my life, I’m living he’s upset with that and that’s why he won’t leave me alone but I sense he’s becoming weaker and weaker, he can’t fight the forces of love, kindness gratitude and positivity, he hates them but is powerless against them 

Yesterday my pain levels went up a notch , I couldn’t get comfortable no matter what, the only comfort comes from either walking or laying down in my side, it stops the sciatic nerve from being pinched. I chose to walk, I did 11000 steps yesterday , I even at one point walked in a square around my small garden, I had the feeling of being a caged animal for a while just walking around the same place, but I’m lucky I’m free to walk wherever I want I’m free to just open the door and walk my thoughts and my pain away.

I can hear the birds singing outside, one of the best ways to calming an anxious mind is to shut your eyes and listen to the birds. They are singing loudly to each other this morning , every note is pitch perfect , they sound like a perfectly tuned orchestra singing their little hearts out, I often wonder what they are saying , do they talk to their own species or are they all just having a real gossip with each other, who really knows it’s beautiful and I’m grateful they do it. I open my window the sounds are pure and wonderful I’m lucky, thanks to the universe I’m tuned in with them, every note every sound, I’m going to lay back and leave you for today as I listen to my own amazingly beautiful opera of the birds what a truly amazing way to start the day. I wonder if anyone else is listening to the same opera as me or are they just immune to the sounds because they are always there. For me these things in life are now so important. I would advise anyone who is in a bad way to just close your eyes every morning and let the birds fly into your mind .❤️🐦