Walking for the Samaritans and more troubles with cancer

It’s Saturday 4.30am

Not sure if I’ve had much sleep tonight, my feet swelled up so had to put three pillows underneath my feet, hoping the swelling goes down, it worked before. The medicine is good for one thing and then has a side effect for something else,  it’s all part of the ongoing treatment. I’m grateful for the treatment and in that gratitude I have to accept the other stuff. 

Ive overdosed on everything, my life has been highjacked by fighting cancer and the hundreds of articals and videos I’ve seen and tried to soak in, but this sponge is full and there is no more room left. The videos on YouTube have no clarity, they all just seem to amalgamate into one video, the same with reading endless books and articals the words are not jumping off the page in fact they are trying to avoid me. The information is like a mass of stuff that has no rhyme or reason attached to it. I have too much time on my hands during the weekdays. I try to walk but I’m physically limited to how much I can walk. I can read and watch, and that’s my problem, my diet of what I’m reading and watching is causing me to obsess.

 I would love to be at work , my mind focused only on the job in hand. I’ve kind of approached the situation I’m in like it’s a job I’ve got to complete and that’s not going to work.

I’m guessing anyone reading this and going through a similar situation might understand how I feel. I mean when your fighting for your life, you want to find out every single way and method that you can use that’s on your side.♥️

It’s not a negative situation, that’s for sure, it’s just too much information, it’s overload and the system is going to breakdown if I don’t slow down. It’s strange I’ve tried to be as possible as possible I think in this case I’ve overdosed on the positivity in the wrong way, I’m tired but wide awake , I want to sleep but that’s not going to happen. 

Then a thought comes into my head, Woody your a bloody imposter , what would you teach all of those hundreds of people that were on your calming an anxious mind courses, I feel like a fraud, how did I have the right to tell people how to do something when I can’t do it myself.

I need to step outside of myself here and ask myself what would Woody have said to do to calm that anxious mind.

I’m sure he would have told me to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths through the nose and out the mouth, he would of said don’t try to stop thoughts, but don’t follow them, let them go. He would of said wait for your innate intelligence to give you the answer. Don’t try to figure stuff out, this is just too complex, it will figure itself out. I can hear myself saying all of these things. Woody stop trying to control this it’s not controllable. I look at myself and see someone who is determined that he can control this outcome. That just isn’t true, I can help the outcome by doing stuff in a certain way, but that’s all. I need to go back to my belief in the universe. I’m sure the universe if it wants to will find the way, I don’t need to force it.

I feel better having had a chat with myself, it was needed and it’s strange the thoughts you have at 4.30 am , perhaps the universe woke me up for a reason.🙏

Sunday 2pm

The house is quiet the rest of the family have gone out on a shopping spree 

I now have time to look at what I’ve written in the early hours it’s all on my head but it in a good way. I feel lighter, in a way I can’t explain. I’m going to enjoy what time I have left in this earth, I’m not going to jump on the laptop first thing to find out the latest cancer busting therapy, most of it is utter nonsense and I realise at last every single human being on this planet is unique , what works for one may actually be bad for another, so with that in mind I’m going to stick with the trust in the NHS and the universe to see me through this.

My wife has got her Christmas head on, I love it when this happens, she has gone shopping with the girls and come back with all kinds of Christmas stuff, we have always decorated our house nicely I’m always in charge with the outside, might have to get some help this year to do the stuff like the lights which is where I have to climb up the step Ladders. Now I’m not great at using any kind of ladder at the best if times so it might be wise to ask for some help this year, all for elf and safety you understand.

My favourite piece of decoration is this projector, it shines green and red fairy lights all over the front of the house. I bought it in a petrol station one time completely out of impulse and it’s turned out to be the best thing I’ve ever brought from a garage, apart from emergency flowers & every bloke reading this knows what they are, right! 😉

Today she came back with Santa everything ,gravy boat salt and pepper pots a serving dish in the shape of a sleigh, scented candles plates and …. oh it’s going to be jolly🎅🤶 

we have had a good talk about Christmas and this year is going to be special, we are going to treat it like its the first and last one, not for any morbid reason we just want it to be special, and then well do the same for the next one and so on.

Samaritans walk

My leg and back have been a bit more painful today so we are going to take it very slowly tonight.

The night is not cold and as on most nights my daughter joins me on my walk for the samaritans. We have a lovely chat, we both love the foxes and tonight we were not disappointed. One was so bold that he stopped about 20 feet away and just watched us. They really are stunningly beautiful animals, unfortunately they don’t have a great reputation. I’ve never caught one on camera yet, our estate has this wild section where there is very little street lighting and this is where the foxes hang out for want of a better word. The moon was just coming out as we set out, the sky was beautiful with the glow of the moon as it was peeping through the clouds. This will walk makes me feel so proud, although ive only got to cover 1km each day which seems a very easy task, the whole point has been to raise some money and raise awareness, so far I’m delighted to have raised £750.

The Facebook group jog 30 km in November has a group it’s for the people taking part and numbers 5400 people. Many of these people have been sharing fantastic stories of their own bravery and inspiration, one of the joggers has arranged for the Mersey gateway bridge on her last lap to be lit green in memory of her best friend who took her own life 10 years ago, the group is just full of inspiration and courage, its an honor to be a part of this.