A birthday, a seal and a very special friend.

Can’t sleep tonight again and getting really powerful hot flushes from the hormone therapy. I always find that fascinating how these hot flushes hit you like a wave.They seem to be more powerful than the ones I was having in the previous injection.

I often wonder just what is going on with my body. What the tablets are doing and of course what the cancer is up to. I’ve not really talked to it lately, in fact I’m trying to live as if it’s not there. Is that a good idea, well the idea is not to put my attention to it because that is where energy flows, 

I’ve read that a lot of people that best it from a bad place simply decided at a point, to just get on with it and do what’s normal, the best they can.

I miss work I miss the  students and miss the thrill of helping someone gaining confidence driving an ambulance on blue lights. I miss that. I can’t wait for that day that I am able to do that again.

I won’t lie I’ve had a couple of not so good days this week. I’ve been pondering what to say. I think my aim has always been to keep this blog positive but there comes a time when you have to admit I’ve had a couple of shit days. 

I think to anyone reading this who is going through their own illness, they will know what I mean, that it is impossible to be positive all of the time, which was my intention, but it’s just not bloody possible, unless you lie and bury your head in the sand.

I suppose you can’t hide the facts that this is not going to be all rainbows and unicorns. I won’t go into any details but let’s just say I’ve had to deal with some difficult and horrible stuff without elaborating on it.It’s perfectly normal for anyone dealing with this, to have bad days and I’ve come to accept that. I mean just because ive had a couple of tough things to deal with it doesn’t mean that I’m any less positive about the whole thing 🖤

There are side effects from all the drugs that can really have a dramatic effect on your body and it’s scary, there you go I ve said it, it’s bloody scary. I know that scary is just a feeling and once the scary stuff has passed I’ll bo ok again.🙏

Yesterday was my eldest daughter Ella’s  birthday, she was 14 and had, I think, a really nice day. It’s amazing to see her changing into this incredible person right before my eyes. I’m so proud of her and perhaps the hardest part of all this is the real fact that my time left with her maybe cut a lot shorter than I perhaps once thought.😢

I feel she needs me, my youngest daughter will too but Ella needs her daddy to be there for her and that makes me so bloody determined to get over this and beat it.

She’s 14, I want to just hug her all the time. I want to throw a magic blanket over her that protects her at all times, my love for her hit new heights yesterday, my gosh I’m going to have to stop this for a while because I can’t see any more through the tears😢

It’s now 02.30 I look back to yesterday with a massive mix of emotions, the drugs I’m on are boosting my emotions like a roller coaster ride, the ups are still incredibly inspiring the downs are just starting to become unavoidable.🎢

The lunch yesterday was really excellent and after, I played some pool with the girls, well I supervised 😄 I found it nice to just be in a pub. It got quite busy, one thing I did notice was that no one was wearing a mask, it was a big place and it wasn’t exactly like you needed to be in anyone’s space. I would have loved a pint, I tried a pint of Guinness a few weeks ago, it had the effect of having 10 pints totally knocked me out. The doctor said a beer every now and again wouldn’t hurt🍻

I wanted to walk home alone and spend some time walking along the river. My wife and kids were going to visit some friends anyway so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to spend a bit of time by myself and the river.  I love walking along this particular part of the Medway, it’s along a path that’s fenced off from the river. It’s the part just between the M2 and the historic town of Rochester. I love Rochester, it’s got so much history and has a very quaint old town which is famous for its Dickensian festivals.

I walked slowly because I wanted to savour every second of it, I drank in the view like it was a fine wine, rich and alive with taste. The view of the river always does something to me. I’m drawn no doubt to rivers lakes and the sea shore, yet I have no intention to swim or boat in any of them. I just like being near but not in the water.

My seal was there, lying on the edge of the mudbank, the tide was out, and this was the ideal time to spot seals. There he was this amazing animal that was so awkward on the land. I was lucky because only saw him for about two minutes and he decided to very ungracefully shuffle himself awkwardly back into the river, where no doubt once in the water he turned into this high speed gracefull underwater acrobat that I know he is. I could imagine him twisting and turning at high speed through the dark waters of the Medway. What a treat that was.

A pair of beautiful swans passed by, I watched them as they lazily drifted pass. Someone once told me that swans are a perfect metaphor for the way to describe mental health, on the surface these graceful creatures are a picture of calm and beauty, but if you just look underneath the surface you will see there little feet peddling furiously to keep in the flow of the river and avoid the turbulence, I guess that is the way we are a bit.

I had reached the end of my walk along the riverside and sat down on a bench and just soaked it all in. The view always was special, I realised there and then what an incredibly lucky human being I was to be able to see what I see through my eyes. It’s a privilege to be alive and witness the breath taking beauty of our world and it’s nature. 

Yes I had a bad day yesterday, but to go through all the nasty stuff is so worth it to get to the good stuff today.❤️

I wonder how many people see the sheer beauty of the world as I do, not just because of my illness but because I’ve realised I’ve always been like this since I was a little boy, buts it’s only now that my eyes are wide open to all of this or perhaps my mind is wide open to all of this, yes that explains it better.🌍

My phone rang, a friend from the past was talking to me, someone who I had missed, I won’t say his name on here because it’s going out to many people and maybe I’ll edit it later, but by let’s just call him J for now.

J had been through some medical stuff himself and in the conversation we had whilst I walked the rest of the journey home we shared some of our experiences with each other.

 I became quite emotional at some points especially when he told me he had survived something that made him a miracle that one in a million person that even the doctor’s, despite all of their knowledge, just have to admit that this person, is a living miracle and if anyone that I know was destined to become the one in a million survivor it was this guy. We are meeting up soon and I can’t wait. The conversation we had yesterday can only be described in one word between two similar souls, and that word is love❤️

The rest of the day yesterday went in a bit of a haze , I started to watch my Palace who were playing Man City I fell asleep, the walk took it out of me. Luckily the door rang and my brother in law and his daughter came around bearing gifts for my daughter and we had a nice chat about stuff and to my surprise we beat Man city and I saw the final 10 mins or so. Yes great result and of course it was great to see them too 

The rest of the evening was a blur I was very sleepy and kept dropping off watching the TV, in the end I surrendered to my tiredness and gave in for an early night.

Yesterday was a very lovely day❤️