Home is where the heart is.

Once again I find myself awake in the early hours, I have the hot sweats ( caused no doubt by the hormone injections im having as part of the treatment, I was warned 😀) 💉

I’ve heard that around 3 to 4 am is where you find clarity in thought its a great time to write, it’s as if your mind is free from any thing that taints what you right so it comes out exactly as a thought. Bit deep huh🤔

When I first got home 🏡 on Thursday evening I found I strangely  missed the ward. No one was checking up.on me, no one making sure my blood pressure wasn’t misbehaving or my blood oxygen levels were not taking a holiday.You see I had a button I could push if I needed help, the comfort of that is immense.

 I woke on Friday morning with some chest pains, I didn’t have a button to reach out to anyone for help, I was on my own. Was it the cancer? Had it moved? Was it something else? 

It turned out a short walk around the house and they vanished, panick over, I got caught up in my thinking and started to experience it. You see once we panick we actually feel and experience our thinking and this was all I was really doing. 🤔

Home is where the heart is you know 🏡 it’s true.

I feel the love of my children than no other time in their short lives, it’s a force on its own. It’s incredible and powerful, where was it before, perhaps it was there all the time I just didn’t know how to find it, it’s a bit like the blue sky, it’s always there but we don’t always see it because of the clouds. 

❤️

My wife, I don’t know how she copes with so much stuff and now the added weight of me on her tiny shoulders.💪

The world is much brighter recently, hard to explain. The sky is just bluer than normal, grass is greener and sounds purer, nothing is annoying me.☀️

The cancer is for the moment being extremely kind I feel, I hope it’s not leading me down the garden path. Perhaps I can make friends with it and ask it to go easy on me and even go away. I’ve started talking to it nicely, There is no point being harsh to it, it’s a part of me for the time being and I want it on my side for as long as possible.🤔

I keep asking myself why I’m not scared, I’ve been scared of almost everything in my life until now. The funny thing is I’m not just sticking my head in the sand and hope it goes away, which I’ve been guilty of in the past with much smaller problems. Why this, I’m grateful to not feel scared and would be even more grateful if that lasts. 💪

I wonder how many people have my understanding who are going through this stuff right now, I feel a need to teach people, I feel a strong desire to do something to help others, it’s over powering and I can only assume this is a part of the universe that I’ve connected with, of this I have 100% belief. Things do happen for a reason not just by accident.

My last thought goes out to anyone is suffering right now, not just from physical illness but mental illness, you can do this, just quieten your mind for a few seconds and then let go. Try to see a positive in anything, no matter what, the next positive is in the next thought you have, you can do anything with just that one thought, believe me, hold it and then let it grow 🙏

4am thoughts are quite strange and full of bad spelling, but that doesnt really matter does it !❤️