The spider on the wall
Night two on the. Lawrence ward.
I woke up in the early hours about 2am I think š , it was a sultry night for September and as my eyes opened I noticed a large black spider on the wall. š·ļø
I was aware that the window was open right next to my bed and there were bushes outside and we all know that spiders like nothing more than open windows near bushes to explore.
I was in a half dream, laced up with morphine and other drugs. The spider on the wall never moved, I watched it for hours almost imagining it was moving that I started to think it had.š·ļø
I must of drifted off to sleep again but when I woke to the sound of ,”we want your blood” I noticed it was still there, it was in fact just a big mark of something that used to be on the wall. No spider.
Our fears can be greatly exaggerated just by our imagination, that night my fear of the spider was greatly amplified due to my thinking and imagination.
It’s the same with everything in life not just spiders, the thought of today having radio therapy could of been one of dread and fear but instead I changed the thought to one of excitement and adventure and a deep gratitude that the radio therapy was going to help me and not harm me. One thought changes everything it really does.š
An ambulance took me from the hospital down to Maidstone hospital accompanied by a lovely nurse, who stayed with me all day. It was a beautiful day and so we decided to sit out in the Zen š garden, where I taught her some mindfulness techniques that she could use. I will never forget that couple of hours in that beautiful garden, feeling the warm sun, listening to the wooden chimes and the splashing koi in the pond in the company of one of the NHS angels, because thats what they really are.ā¤ļø
The time flew by and it was my turn to visit the radio therapy machine.
I did not get any zapping that day it was just to introduce me to the machine and get a tiny little dot tattooed on my belly which was the aiming point for the lazers. 55 years old and got my first tattoo.š Not the most impressive tatoo ever but certainly the most important tatoo I will ever have.
Don’t be afraid of this machine it’s there to make you better and I thanked it and told it I look forward to seeing it tomorrow.
what I’ve learned today.
Spiders and zapping machines all generate thoughts. Cancer generates thought. But the thoughts are not real themselves they just feel that way, change the way you think about something and they begin to feel a different way.
Fear is only really a thought in the moment , change the thought and you lose the fear.š¤š
Tomorrow the zapping begins. …ā”
