The diary goes on another week goes by living with cancer

Its monday, I remember Bob Geldofs song I don’t like Mondays and the sad story that goes with it. I’m the opposite I love Mondays, it’s a new start a new beginning and who knows what the universe has is store for me today. After a nice drive in, avoiding the madness of the drivers that want to be somewhere before anyone else, I’m settled by the pond contemplating stuff with a cup of decaff with oat milk, my now most favourite go to coffee.

work doesn’t start for another hour and I love this time to just chill and relax my mind and body. It’s a barmy 19 degrees already with the promise of more hot weather but its muggy and oppressive and I’ve already had two hot flushes today and it’s only 7am.

I watch the fish in the pond, some must be knocking on the door of 20 pounds or more, theyve never been caught so have no fear of humans as they swim lazily around in their schools. We’ve had some rain, it’s not quite so arid as it has been the plants around the lake are full of vibrant greens purples and pinks.

My pain levels are low, just a low throbbing sensation at the base of my spine just letting me know it’s still there, nothing too bad, I can deal with that no problem. it’s a good start to the week.

A few days later and another one of those days that makes it a joy to be alive. In fact this is how I think about every day now. I’m happy to just be alive to have the wonder gift of breathing, one we all take so much for granted. Eventually we all run out of time. I love the fact that I’m awake and alive and that I understand the importance of gratitude. I guess I never really truly new the importance of gratitude untill now. I used to teach about gratitude and how much it’s important for a calm mind, now I actually know that it’s essential for a good life. A drop of gratitude a sprinkle of kindness and lots of love, the key ingredients to the wisdom of life.

It’s hot yet again, this summer that was never forecasted just keeps on giving. Today there is a gentle breeze I’m sitting in my garden enjoying the early evening warmth, feeling the sun and it’s healing energy washing over me. How can cancer stand any chance when I’m fully tuned in to life and the universe. The feeling of being free and yet chained to this disease that haunts me. Turns my good days to darkness in the flick of a switch. I’m listening to the trees dancing in the breeze, I tune in to them and nothing else. It gets easier with practice to just zone in to what makes me feel good, I’ve become good at blocking out the horrible stuff although it’s always waiting to knock on my door. I love the feel of life, the blood rushing through my veins as my heart beats in time to my thoughts.

Today is another good start I’m up really early to greet the sun. I know the days are starting to withdraw into themselves. The sun is around slightly less each passing day. To see the sun rise is a privelidge and yet it’s free. I couldn’t sleep and so I decided to just get up as it was getting light. I’m glad I did the sky looked as though it was on fire as the sun appeared as if from nowhere at the edge of the world. As it rose the heat turned on it’s going to be another hot one. We are now officially on a hose pipe ban and are limited to 4 minutes in the shower. I wonder how they police that, do we have such thing as the shower police. I can imagine them knocking on the shower door, stopwatch in hand shouting at me that my time is up turn the water off or else.

We went to Southend today, I promised my students a fish and chip lunch at the coast. It was dissapointing, it wasn’t real fish and chips frozen chips done in the oven or microwaved not the old traditional chippy chips. It was the first cafe we came to ah well better luck next time😀

I watched the news tonight for the first time for ages. It was sad, worrying and dissapointing the world seems more at unease with itself than it’s been for a long time. It’s like the world is on the edge of war. So many wars and unease going on between countries it’s scary. Why can’t they just get on. Why do we as a human race continue to always want to be better and have more than each other. Perhaps each country should be run by someone who has terminal cancer, would that solve it? How many people who have cancer like me have awoken to the fact that money means nothing, fighting people is pointless. Loving and living day by day and getting on with people is what works nothing else. I’m sure the world would be a better place if these so called leaders used a bit of mindfulness gratitude and kindness in their lives we seem to exist in a world where land religion, jealousy and hatred determine the way it’s run. If there is another planet with intelligent eyes watching and listening to us I wonder what they would make of it all.

Philosophy over and back to the present moment I’ve just sat down enjoying the view of the lake in front of me. It’s Sunday, my wife and children have all gone and left me to go on a school trip to France. I’m losing myself in the present moment. Let me describe the scene in front of me. It’s early, there is a light mist floating gently on the lake it’s cool but not overly so. The lake is still, as if it’s waiting for something to happen. The surface is a perfect mirror, my god it feels great a real privelidge just to be sitting here and observing. Everything is still and calm. The birds are, as always singing the new day in. The ducks geese and swans are just doing what ducks geese and swans usually do, just floating around as if they don’t have a care in the world. I’m smiling at it all from my heart outwards as I know I’m lucky to be able to experience this. There are a few early morning dog walkers out with their best friends. I always look at dogs and I’m constantly amazed at the pure unadulterated love they show to their human. I want a dog, I want that love too. I don’t suppose the two cats and two rabbits I live with would so keen on the idea but I’m sure one day we can all come to some agreement. I will have a dog someday it’s in my heart and when the time is right I have a feeling that one will come to me, the universe works in mysterious ways. There is a bit of a commotion that disturbs the lake as a large heron comes gliding in and majestically lands on the surface just breaking the stillness for a moment. The air is warming up the sun is switching on and the heatwave continues. The lake is so much lower than usual. We have had very little rainfall in recent months which is unusual for a British summer.

Well that’s my thoughts over for another week, this week is medication week and the week after I’ve got MRI CT and bone scans coming up. I’m positive the results will be good. I will thank the machines I will thank the nurses and talk kindly to anyone I meet.

Thanks for reading keep being kind be positive and fill your life with as much gratitude and love that you can manage. Life is sweet even when it seems youve just bitten a lemon in half. 🙏

Ps don’t forget men if you are reading this and in your 50s feeling sudden backpain problems with weeing then take a PSA test, don’t wait untill it’s too late please.

https://prostatecanceruk.org/risk-checker