Time and living with cancer

As I write this it’s been 569 days since I was diagnosed. Or 13668 hours and 25 minutes 😀 ,seems like forever but in reality it’s gone in the blink of an eye. How much time do I have left, am I going to double it treble it or will the cancer step up a gear and overtake me just when I think I’m cruising along nicely? The truth is just like every single person on this planet not a single one of us is control of our time. That is why we have to learn to stop taking it for granted, to cherish it and not keep wishing chunks of it away. We may not be in control of how much time we have left but we certainly are in control about how we use it.

I think now of the hours spent that I wish had gone faster, waiting in traffic jams, clock watching at various jobs, willing precious time away for an event to arrive. That time I would love to have back now but it’s gone and there is no reversing that.

It’s only when cancer knocked on my door one day and let itself in that I started to realise the absolute beauty of time. I think it has more value than any amount of money, you certainly can’t buy it but you can put a value on it in terms of amounts of things you can do. A smile only takes a second or so and therefore I spend my time filling it and noticing things that make me smile.

The first thing I hear every morning is the birds outside my window, morning Woody they seem to say, I smile back thinking what a way to start a day. I smile at work, I love my job, I’m grateful beyond belief that I can still do it. I believe too many people with cancer accept that it’s all over as indeed I believed it was, yet some use it as an opportunity to start again. I’m lucky my job allows me to meet people who just want to help other human beings, I’m honoured to be a part of that and it makes me smile.

My ambulance students inspire me and hopefully I give a bit of inspiration back to them. I tell them I have cancer, not because I want pitty but because I know I can use this illness to inspire them when the going gets tough. Its called making the best out of a bad situation. They have one of the hardest jobs in the world picking up broken people, I was one of those broken people. None of them do it for the money, they can earn far more in other less stressful roles in life but they do it because they care and that makes me smile.

Time is measured now in smiles and kindness rather than in hours and minutes. Clock watching is a thing of the past, looking at what is going on around me in a traffic queue shows a hidden beauty in the world whether it’s the clouds in the sky lazily looking down or a person a dog or someone sitting in a car opposite me, it all has a story.

I’ve just spent an hour pulling weeds out on the front drive, I used to hate this job, but now I love it, I don’t look at how much I’ve got left i just focus on one at a time, the birds were singing to me, the sun was shining it was pleasantly warm, I like to think it’s sending me healing warmth. My thought process changes the way I approach this task. I used to to think it was hard boring work now I see it as a possibility to be mindful to have some headspace and to enjoy the moment. So much of my life has changed due to my thought process. It most definitely ain’t the things that happen to us that control our lives it’s the way we think about those things.

Cancer, has and still is teaching me so much about life, it’s ironic that it takes something that ultimately threatens to banish you from life to wake up and smell the coffee . The world is so much better than I ever perceived it was before, I spent so much of my time worry about stuff worrying about being good enough worrying about being worthy worrying about money and worrying about having enough work. Time spent worrying is wasted time, worries never get fixed they just increase untill you finally realise there really was nothing to worry about in the first place.

Im sitting in the garden now it’s the first time this year. It’s lovely the sky is deep blue with brilliant white fluffy clouds floating along on a coolish breeze. The rays of the sun are saying hi, it’s been a while. I’m watching a magpie on the roof squeaking I think he’s telling something off 😀. It’s nice it’s pleasent and time is standing still while I capture this moment and store it for another day along side all of the other memories Ive collected since I discovered life for the 2nd time. This is not time wasting, this is using time how it’s meant to be used, to discover what’s happening now in the present moment when we can be at our most creative our most rested and above all our most happy.

Till the next time , keep smiling and keep using time as if it’s the last day you have left.

Love Woody ❤️