Some more thoughts about my cancer

I never know what to write for a title when doing these blogs. So I’ve gone the easy route this time because that is exactly what I’m doing telling you my thoughts about my cancer.

It’s been an up and down week and when I say that I mean it quite literally. Yesterday morning I took a nasty tumble on the ice, I somehow managed to avoid landing on my back and instead went full force down on to my right side. It hurt but I was lucky I didn’t do any serious damage especially to my already fragile back. Well you would have thought that would be enough wouldn’t you but oh no not me never content with doing things by halves I then at the end of the day went arse over tit for the second time that day and somehow I don’t know how I managed again to protect my back but at the expense of my right knee and right ankle.

You might forgive me for feeling sorry for myself as I write this, I’ve just had the cream from hell rubbed in to my scalp the ongoing treatment for skin cancer which if you’ve been following me you would know it’s something else I’ve unwelcomely acquired recently. My body feels like I’ve been in a boxing ring, I ache from head to toe I guess the two falls have done more harm than I thought, worryingly my back is on fire too.

It’s at times like this when I have to question the meaning of it all and dig deep for some morsel of goodness from all of this. The continuos rounds of treatments all slowly degrading my body in some way or another. My muscle mass is decreasing, and I’m tired at night I feel I could just sleep for eternity. I want to walk but I’m too tired too. I think it’s a winter thing. The cold is hard to live with at the moment , the subzero days would be ok if I was not constantly sweating from the hot flushes and then freezing and shivering with my damp clothes. Next time someone tells me prostate cancer is the kind cancer I’ll scream in their face no it fucking ain’t.😥 There is nothing kind about this.

Tomorrow I’ll get up as always and find a smile to wear for the day and just hope I don’t fall over again. I think my tumble was caused by the fact I have very little feeling in my right leg and foot and so walking on the snow I can’t judge the ice underneath.

Today I didn’t fall over, 😃 I was sore from yesterday and now tonight after a nice hot bath I can see the bruising coming out. I love the snow and how beautiful it makes everything look but for the first time in my life I realise just how dangerous it is for vulnerable people and now realise Ive got a lifetime membership in the so called vulnerable persons club perhaps I’ll stop praying for it so much in future.

Well I winced my way through work today and this evening I gave myself a verbal kick up the backside and told myself to stop crying and be thankful I was even alive to fall over. How bizarre, I’m thankful for the chance to hurt myself because it means I’m alive. It’s crazy when I think of it like that and perfectly true. Now I don’t want to feel ungrateful to the universe or anything but I’d rather not be tested in this way if it’s all the same. Yes I’m grateful to be breathing yes I’m grateful that my cancer is on the whole being rather kind so I guess then its reasonable to show some gratitude for having the chance to injure myself and at the end of the day a few days of aches and pains is better than the alternative.

I write a gratitude journal just before sleep I take 10 minutes or so to do some mindfulness, I think it helps. Today was not such a good day but tomorrow is a brand new day, full of exciting and wondrous experiences. The great thing about life is when you have a bad day you can chose to simply close that page and start afresh on a brand new story the next day. Who knows what will be written, I only know that if I leave today behind it will be better, but if I drag today into tomorrow I’ll go through the same bad experience again. The gift of life is so precious, I love the fact that it’s possible to start again every day. Leave yesterday’s thoughts behind and find a brand new set of thoughts and feelings to carry me on through the day.

I always like to talk about thoughts and how thinking controls our very existence and experience of life. Having cancer has made me realise that this is a fundamental truth about life, our thoughts are the conductor of the orchestra of life. Where our thoughts go so does our experience. I realise when I’m feeling bad or just in a low mood if I stop to analyse what I’m thinking about it’s always low and unhelpful thoughts. What’s so important to know is as soon as I deliberately focus on something positive to think about then the feelings inside me change too. It’s such a powerful thing to know. If you are in a bad place just explore your thoughts and you will see why you feel bad. The saying it’s not what happens to you but how you deal with it that counts is so true.

Well that’s enough for this week, I will try not to fall over again😀 Thanks again for reading this and try to remember the most powerful attributes that you possess are gratitude kindness and love.

Till the next time

Love Woody ❤️