Fighting cancer with …..

I was not really sure what to call this blog so I just left the title open and if nothing jumps out and into my mind I’ll leave it as just that. It’s been nearly two weeks since my last one. Perhaps fighting cancer is the wrong title here, I feel I’m learning to coexist with this strange bunch of alien cells that are trying so hard to invade my body and take over.

So coexisting is not fighting right! I’m learning to live in some way, maybe coping is a better word. I’ve come to the very real realisation that mind is me and so is my body, we are both one and the same thing. My mind affects my body and my body affects my mind. Sorry for getting all ” grasshopper on you all” many of you may be too young to remember one of the greatest TV programme series ever Kung Fu if you do you will know what I mean here. What I think or do with my thoughts will have a direct consequence in my body and of course those cancer cells that have decided to hitch a lift on to my life journey. Hoping of course they decide to get off at the next stop. I wonder what happens to those cells every time I have a thought. I imagine every positive thoughts sends a shock wave of fear into my cancer cells, they live and feed off my negativity, I need to go on a diet and starve them. Likewise every negative thought races round my body and hits those cancer cells and fuels them to grow and expand and destroy.

Thoughts

I’m quite convinced that my thinking is slowing down the cancerous invasion going on inside of me. I feel better than I’ve done for a long while. The evidence is there to see (and feel) my right leg some how now belongs to me and no longer is this wooden thing I’ve walking around with that has no feeling of belonging to me. Does that mean the irreversible nerve damage caused by the tumors has started to reverse. Im not so sure about that yet, but I do know that changes are taking place. I can for example stand much longer before the pain starts to say hello Woody and forces me to have a lie down. I can walk much more confidently with out the fear of not feeling my right leg or it giving way on me. It’s hard to explain how it feels to walk around with a leg that almost feels it doesn’t belong to you because the feeling is so very unreal.

Coping

I think I’ve really discovered my way of coping, it’s difficult when unwanted thoughts about the future keep appearing in my head but the the most powerful thing I have is that I’m fully aware of the bad thoughts which means I can turn them around or I can even just chose to ignore them, a bit like having control of the remote and choosing what I want to watch, although that is not always easy when it comes to thinking. Today I was thinking about my girls, I’m working away from home for a few weeks and I miss them, of course the moment I get that kind of thought along comes the one that starts telling me I won’t have long with them or at least as long as I want, these thoughts always come in pairs, holding hands. The good and lovely thought comes with the bad and nasty thought. It’s incredibly difficult to deal with that and as I’m writing this my eyes start to water, I can’t stop it I have little control over my emotions these days because of the drugs and whats going on inside of me. I often find myself crying over the slightest thing. So my answer to my own thoughts is to looks at things differently , no one knows how long they have and it’s going to be real waste of that time if I spend it in fear of it being taken away from me. I need to accept what I have, which I think I’m doing and just keep my thinking in the present moment and not let those thoughts stray down the path that know one wants to follow. The future will be what it will be and there’s not a great deal I can do about it except to not focus on it being a poor one.

Coping

Fighting my own cancer has given me this resolve I thought I would never have. I’m living my life as best as I can but I know I can do more. Im planning on trying to build some strength back into my body but I find I often hit this brick wall that I can’t break through. My upper body has very little muscle left and I feel if I’m going to fight this thing I’m going to have to try and start building some muscle back into my upper body, seriously my arms are so weak right now. It sounds easy but when I’ve finished a day’s work I have no energy left to want to exercise, even walking is difficult in the evening, I need a kick up the backside to get me going. Perhaps tomorrow evening I’ll go for a walk, or the next one😉

The heat wave

It’s a hot evening, we are in the midst of a heat wave right now. I find myself in a perpetual state of wetness caused by my bodies own response to my hormone therapy and the blistering heat we are currently experiencing. I’ve ventured from my room and although my energy levels are low I’ve forced myself back out side. I’m not prepared to spend my evenings just laying on a hotel bed wasting precious time , I needed to get back out and smell and feel the fresh air. I’m lucky my hotel is located next to a river so I’m going to spend some time listening to the sounds of a river and all of its guests and inhabitants. A splash of water as a fish rises to take a fly, the birds singing loudly in a beautiful willow tree, it’s twilight and I see a few bats dancing across the sky. You never really see a bat properly they just fly through your peripheral vision at high speed, always just out of eyesight but you know you’ve seen one. I’m sitting on a little wooden bench, I’m completly in the present moment. The birds are excitedly chirping away but their noise is becoming quieter and quieter as another day slowly fades into darkness and it’s time for me to head back to my little room. I feel good. Just sitting outside has done me so much good. Tomorrow I’ll go for a walk after work if I can muster the energy. I feel that this is where my real fight with cancer is right now. It’s an energy sapping illness that relentlessly sucks the life force from me if I let it. I know that my battle is really only just beginning despite my diagnosis fast approaching the year mark. To be able to beat this I’ve got to start becoming as fit as I can. My mind is in the right place it’s now my body that needs some persusion to change.

My last thoughts as I lay in bed is I’m going to get up early and go for a walk, this is when I have the most energy so I need to use it wisely.

The river

Well that didn’t happen, the walking part that is, but I did manage to get up early and spend some time next to the river and its many amazing creatures. At first you don’t really see them but if you sit still long enough they appear. The air is at its most coolest the day promises to be another hot one. So it’s a fantastic way to start the day before I meet up with my students for their ambulance training. I’ve always found that sitting with nature has a medicnal affect on me and the added bonus of being by a river is just what the doctor ordered. I don’t have time to think about cancer I just sit and wonder at the world around me and it’s amazing wildlife. The bench is cool as I lose my self, no thoughts about cancer or problems, just being, not doing, for a while with nature solves everything for a while. It kind of puts everything on the back burner, nothing really matters when you are in the present moment, the past is history, the future a mystery. The river looks dark and fresh I wonder how cold it is, I almost contemplate going for a dip, how would it feel, I don’t record ever swimming in a river before, perhaps that’s something I should put on my list of stuff to do. I’m not a great swimmer so I suppose I should just stick to the cold showers for now.

Not anxious about my PSA score any longer

It’s the day after my monthly hormone injection and it’s as sore as hell. Every month it takes a few days for the injection site to calm down but in my mind I know the injection is holding back the waiting tide of cancer cells and it’s just one of a few discomforts I have to go through. I am becoming increasingly alarmed at how quickly each month goes to the next round of tests and treatments. This is my life flashing by, I need to make the most of it because no body knows how long the cancerous cells will remain resistant to the treatment. I haven’t rang the hospital for my latest PSA blood test result. I feel I’m coping so well that I don’t want to know until they tell me, if they don’t tell me my latest score I’m going to just assume everything is all right, my last one was 0.01 which can hardly get much lower, what if this one goes to 0.02 then panick will set in. So no thanks let’s see if I can just keep going without knowing.

Life is a precious gift, you only really appreciate this when it’s threatened to be taken away from you. I believe now more strongly than ever before that I have to just keep the bad thoughts away by just being positive in anything I do. If I have a bad day, so what it’s just a day the next one will be much better. I love the feeling that life is a gift, it’s handed out like a pack of cards you get dealt your hand and you have to make the best of it. The gift of life is a miracle in so many ways, I’m learning to appreciate that more and more, I have no room for hatred or anger towards my cancer. I love my life and the people that are in it and that is something that those cancer cells can never take away.

Thanks for reading my thoughts , if it helps anyone it’s worthwhile.

Until the next time take care

Love Woody ❤️

“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” Dolly Parton