Living with the cancer thought.
Today is the first time since I returned back to work that I struggled just a bit. My back, hip and right leg all taking turns to remind me I’ve got a long way to go to beat this illness. I tried using both my car seat support and my back brace today but without much success. I’m searching for the best thing to do, should I use my brace only or the car seat support only? One thing for sure I’m lying on my bed tonight with my lower back telling me that today was not the best choice, never mind we go again tomorrow.
But then again it’s that time of the month where all prostate cancer sufferers know that it’s time for the monthly worry about the PSA test, mine is next week. The PSA test is the flag that tells us if the current treatment is still working or not. I’m guessing I’ll never get comfortable with this, it’s easy to say don’t worry, but when your whole life is resting on the result of that blood test every month it’s a challenge not to worry. The result of that test could mean I’ve got just a few months left if it all starts going south. So you can see the worry that comes with being saddled with prostate cancer gives you, it’s a ride that will never be smooth, there will be lots of hurdles to negotiate and it never ends, and, just when you think your clear you hit a fence and it all comes tumbling down.
The worry creeps up on you, it gets you just when you think everything is going to be ok. It starts off, as does everything with a casual thought. Nothing too serious just a tiny little thought that arrives and then says hey Woody I’m here to stay untill you get that test result back buddy so don’t think you can get rid of me easily. I call it the cancer thought.
What is a thought ?
What is a thought and where do they come from? I’ve often asked this question being someone that has strived for many years to understand the mind in order to help myself and to also be able help others. A few years ago when I was travelling around the country talking to people about the mind, I never realised untill now the importance placed on a single thought. One tiny seed that manifests from the mind can be the difference between having a good day or a bad day, a nights peaceful sleep or a night of tossing and turning and staring into a dark room waiting for dawn to arrive. The cancer thought, is the one I call that persistent thought that seems to jump in at every opportunity to make you feel worse than you do. Even on a good day he’s lurking in the background waiting for an opportunity to jump into my mind. That slight twinge somewhere in my body awakens him, he loves nothing more than to hear my groans if a bolt of pain should appear in me. Woody he says with an unmistakably cheery voice, “that’s cancer you know” I would love to tell him to fuck off ( sorry mum for the language🤗) This is the cancer thought and every single person who has or had cancer will know him well.
The cancer thought is loving this evening because my body is hurting more than it’s done for a while, it’s a sure thing that when the body starts hurting then so does the mind. I’m wondering if I’ve just overdone it this weekend 😂. When I say over done it I don’t mean run a marathon I’ve just done a couple of things that before all of this I would have done in a heartbeat with no thought or repercussions. So what exactly have I done that’s now classed as over doing it? Saturday I cleaned the rabbits out and cleaned the cats litter trays and put some rubbish out for recycling. On Sunday I took my car to one of those self service car washes and jetwashed the car and then did a bit of shopping. I’m afraid that’s classed as overdoing it in my new world of living with cancer. Christ I’ve got to beat this and just not settle for just putting up with it. I get tired after any physical thing I do , even doing a bit of light housework is like I’ve just played 90 minutes in a football match, it’s crazy what this illness does to the body.
I’m lucky
I’m lucky my job requires very little physical activity , just sitting and observing and guiding my students to become emergency response abulance drivers, I’m lucky my cancer allows me to carry on and I’m determined to carry on for much much longer. When I’m working the cancer thought can’t get in my head , be leaves me alone, he cant stand it and so waits untill I finish work before he makes his move.
The pain tonight sets off that all too familiar thought in my mind, the cancer thought is back, he’s been a way for a while not gone just sitting watching and waiting for him moment, he loves to tell me how my cancer is spreading growing stronger and I’m losing the battle. I try so hard to push him away but it’s bloody hard to fight a never ending torment each month. The cancer thought is on fire tonight he grows and the more I try to surpress him the stronger it gets.
How to beat the cancer thought
Having lived with my cancer for over 7 months now I’ve learned a few things that help me fight off the cancer thought. I’ve learned as a first line of defense when he appears is to smile. Yes just a simple smile, it sends all kinds of anti cancer thought chemicals rushing through my body. It makes him mad for a while but he knows he can’t over come a smile. You can put pills and injections in me but the king of all pain killers is just a smile. The smile stops him dead in his tracks, he struggles to overcome it, he tells me all sorts of stuff about how bad things are going to get and real soon. But I keep the smile going, he bangs on the window of my mind begging to be allowed in, but the smile tells him no ” you shall not pass” he tries even harder but gradually concedes defeat and slips away to plan his next attack, which I know won’t be too long.
The second line of defence to stop the cancer thought from growing is too distract myself from him, work is a great distraction and when I’m at home and he’s lurking in my mind I’ll watch a movie or do something to distract myself from his pring senses. Tonight I put my thoughts into my quest to learn Italian via the duo lingo app. The cancer thought can’t stand it when I ignore him, he’s like a spoilt child wanting and needing attention, I know now not to give him that attention he so craves for and he starts to recede like the tide in my mind. I focus on my Italian untill the cancer thought like a slowly burning candle quietly dies out. I know he will be back though and it will keep coming back after each new pain or untill the blood test result next week, each time I have to focus on something else and keep smiling.
This is the life of the prostate cancer sufferer, the continuous ebb and flow of the cancer thought. I don’t mind admitting I’m having a tough time dealing with it tonight, it’s ok I tell myself it’s got to be perfectly normal to have a hard time every now and then.
I’m trying to sleep and hoping that finishing the blog will distract me enough to send me to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, I can start again. Tonight I’m going to go on a journey in my mind, I close my eyes and use all the powers that my imagination has to take me away. Somewhere where cancer is not a part of my life, somewhere I feel safe and free of the cancer thought. I don’t know where I’ll visit tonight but it will be a place where I can eventually fall asleep in peace. I will wake tomorrow in a better place, tomorrow will be a better day.
Better today
Today has been a good day, the pain was gone when I awoke. I remember opening my eyes this morning and waiting for the pain to appear as if it was to say hello and good morning Woody I’m back and I’m going to hang about, luckily it did not come back all day and still hasn’t untill at the time of writing this evening. With the vanishing pain goes the cancer thought too. They are a pair, pain and thoughts rock up together. The pain is worse by the way I think and the thoughts are worse according to the level of pain. It’s a cancerous circle living with this illness. Tonight my thoughts are much more positive, I’m feeling better about the apprehension of next week’s blood tests. The mind can do so much damage if it’s allowed to run amok, it can pull you in different directions like a tug of war on a village green on a summers fayre, but this time the prize is peace and tranquility. The rope is pulled from both directions, can I resist the urge to fall into the dark pit on the other end of the rope or can I pull myself to a more comfortable place in my mind. Today Ive won the tug of war, at least for now, there will be more tug of wars to come, thats for sure.
There is another way to overcome the fear of the cancer thought , I don’t want it to pervade my mind and spread it’s negativity, I have a plan. I know that all I need to do is to focus on everything I can find around me that is positive and then use the powers of kindness and gratitude to arm my self against negativity. Positivity kindness & gratitude have been with me since the start and there is no greater force of power. Cancer can’t resist them, it can’t beat them or break them down they are my go to friends when I need them. Positivity can be found if you look for it. You have to look with your heart and it will find you. Kindness and gratitude are a choice we all have. No matter how bad things are we can chose to be kind and we can find something to be grateful about. The sunrise is free, the birds sing to us for free and a smile of course is also free.
Take care
Love Woody ❤️
In just two weeks I’ll be joining a team of fantastic people who are going to walk the monopoly board challenge in London. This is a 22km walk taking us around the famous land marks in London
I doubt if I’ll be able to walk the whole of the 22km , I’ve still got two fractures in my back and a few tumours here and there that might stop me, but I’ll give it a dam good try. The important thing is these guys are walking to raise awareness of prostate cancer and to raise money for the research into new treatments for guys like me. If you would like to send a donation please do so using the link below, if you want to join us and walk with me and my colleagues drop me a message below.
Walking for Woody fundraising for PROSTATE CANCER UK on JustGiving
https://www.justgiving.com/team/Walkingwithwoody
