There and back again.

This blog is spread out over a week a bit of thinking and feeling from each day. I’m amazed at the difference each day has when I’m living with my cancer, there is no such thing as a normal day. Each day is an adventure no matter how shit it might seem at times it’s an adventure. The great thing about most adventures is one never quite knows where one is going so a famous line from a beautiful story we are going there and back again sums up my blog.

Hi, I’ve been back to work for over a week now, it’s going really well. I’m trying to remain positive no matter how I feel. The pain has dialed up a notch or two and I’ve got this very numb right leg with daggers of pain hitting my knees. I guess I should have expected some reaction to going back to work. My way of looking at it is, I’m back doing what I love then surely that is going to override the effect of a bit of pain. My mental health is good, I feel great and very happy to be able to go back to work.

Some good news

Good news my consultancy with Kings College Hospital in London was really positive. They are more than happy with how it’s all going at the moment so no need for the back operation, which is great news.😀

I was trying to get back into my old tai chi practice as I figured this would be a good form of gentle exercise. I guess I didn’t allow for the amount of damage my cancer has done to me already I’ve lost a lot of strength in my arms and legs and it hurts a bit too much just trying to hold the poses. It will be a slow burner back to fitness but I will not give in. Slowly slowly is the way forward. My body tells me when it’s had enough and I’ve got to listen to it. I’m going to do a bit each day and see how it goes. I laugh as I realise the truth that my body is more broken than I thought , my mind is not broken and it won’t be, my mind will heal my body and give me my strength back and my chi will flow again.

I’ve just received the latest letter from my oncology doctor, it’s written in a language only doctor’s understand, I’m sure they write this way so the patient doesn’t really understand how bad it is. I already know how bad it is, I spent time this evening translating individual things , stuff like spinal canal stenosis, apparently mine shows no change, this is good news. I looked up retropulsion another big word and spinal compression. Once I’ve finished translating it roughly into my kind of language, tears form in  the corners of my eyes, you know those heavy thick ones that just hang about before they decide to let go and splash the paper I’m reading. The emotion gets to me, I’m in a bad way but I am a walking fucking (apologies mum) miracle who has not only stood up when by all rights I should be lying down but I’ve gone back to some kind of normality. The words marked reduction in right metastasis add that to the list of what’s going good for me, there is still a lot of bad but we are on the right tracks and that’s really all one can ask for in this prognosis. Thank you universe ❤️

The emotions of cancer

When you are living with cancer it is hard to explain the turbulent nature of emotions that ebb and flow through the mind. I cry at silly stuff, I always have and always will. Cancer has made it much easier to cry at stuff sometimes the tears are not just sadness often they fall as hope and joy. I sometimes find myself on a rocky ship with gigantic fierce waves battering the sides, the storm comes and goes, the storm doesn’t last for long calm seas soon appear. I vow I will never let the ship sink. The doctor’s report is just ink on a piece of paper, it’s not real it’s just an illusion of reality. The universe is my reality. The universe’s writes my reports, it writes in a language I understand. 🙏

I’ve brought a new pair of boots for work, I decided my old magnums the comfy slipper of the boot world are no longer suitable. Ive been struggling to do the laces up. Trying to bend over and thread those laces when you are strapped into a maternity brace which I wear each day just isnt happening😀. My new boots are soft and comfortable, my feet swell up during the day, these boots are a big help.

I went for a walk in them this evening. Just 5000 steps. It was freezing cold, the wind blowing from the east chilled me right through. The boots were like floating on air. The air felt so cold, made a lot worse by the fact my body was soaked from a rather strong hot flush that hit me just before I went out. It’s like getting out the shower putting your clothes on and then stepping into a freezer. I wonder what these hot flushes will be like in the summer months☀️ It feels like there is snow in the air. So far this winter we have had none. The cold penetrates right through me tonight and I really have to force myself to stay out, the warmth of my cosy home is tempting me to cut it short, I persist, I’m in training for the walk the monopoly challenge.

I’m realistic to know that it will take a miracle for me to walk the whole length of the challenge. I will be there at the start and do what I can do. Everyday I walk a few miles to keep my strength up, it would be very easy to do nothing and just stay in the warmth of my home. The challenge gives me a reason to get out and walk. It gives me a sence of purpose, nothing is stronger than purpose and will power. I get home as the front door opens a rush of warmth cuddles me as I enter my lovely warm house. I say a few words of gratitude. I’m lucky to have a nice warm safe house to return to, there are many in this world right now that dont.🇺🇦😥

Hot flushes and feet swelling are just a couple of annoyances I go through there are a few more, one is to do with the toilet but I won’t dare go into the details, let’s just say that cancer can be a right pain in the arse😀

Even better news

My newest PSA result is back today and that measures 0.16. This is extremely good, I was worried it would have risen due to the fact I had a month off my treatment due to the fatigue. 0.16 is excellent, the prostate cancer is under control. It’s hard to explain how scary that telephone call is to get my result. All kinds of wild emotions fester in my mind. I put off calling several times, what if they say it’s rising, it’s back in control again. I ring and hang up the first time, genuinely fearful of the numbers they will quote me. I stay on this time and when she says the words “your latest result is 0.16 ” the sun suddenly breaks through and my world becomes much brighter again. Each month I go through this it just doesn’t get any easier. I keep telling myself I’m winning, but what am I winning ?

I’m laying on my couch tonight, it’s cat duty time, Daisy has not come in everyone else is in bed we’ve all got busy days tomorrow. I wonder where she goes, I think she’s got a boy friend out there some where. Do they arrange to meet under the moonlight as if from a Disney film. I hope he looks after her, she’s a very nervous cat, wouldn’t say boo to a goose. She’s scared of her own shadow, it’s taken her years to get used to me and trust me. I think trust is a strong word, I doubt she fully trusts me, we’ve gone one step beyond the she tolerates me stage. There’s a scratch and a feint tap on the window, I open the patio door, it’s Daisy, she walks in her tail held high and proud. She looks up at me, she gives me a wink, I didn’t know cats winked untill daisy came into our lives, she most definitely winks. She looks up at me as if to say thanks for waiting up for me and off she goes to say goodnight to her one true love, my wife, they both adore each other. It makes me smile, I’ll wait on the couch a little longer so she can say goodnight to my wife in her own loving way. She often just rests a paw on my wife’s head gently (and annoyingly 😃), she does it with such love and tenderness. Funny thing but I’ve never really liked cats, they are growing on me. Time for me to go to bed, I feel pretty good, no pains tonight, I’m looking forward to sleep, I wonder where my dreams will take me tonight.

Some thoughts on war

I can’t understand why we as humans have this never ending compulsion to go to war with one another. I’m sure if there was another being on another not necessarily so technically advanced as us watching us and studying us, he would no doubt be scratching his head if of course he has one. He might be muttering in some kind of unfathomable language which might consist of clicks and whistles or may be completly silent to you and me it’s a fair bet that roughly translated it might be saying don’t they ever learn. It might also be looking at the huge amount of compassion and kindness that does exist and say something like perhaps they deserve another go. Cancer changes perspectives, it changes the way a person sees life, it can’t fathom how so many can throw it away by acts of war and violence. I wonder if Mr Putin had cancer would he look at the world with more compassion, would he discover something deep in his cold heart that has not been there for such a long time. I struggle to work out how men and women can kill each other, I expect that the vast majority of those soldiers would rather give the other side a hug than physically kill each other. 😥🇺🇦

I arrive at work this morning, it’s early so I thought I would enjoy the heat of the car for a few minutes more and add some thoughts. The sky is bluer than blue, it’s that crystal deep blue that only winter can give. It’s cold and frosty too. The frost still hanging on around the very edges of my windscreen managing to survive the short journey in to day. I told my knee off last night, I told it I’m fed up of listening to it complaining and grumbling all the time. It must have been listening as today it’s gone quiet like a child sitting on the naughty step, it knows it’s been spoken to. The weather helps too, I’m sure the blue sky is drinkable like some kind of tonic that as soon as you stare into it makes you feel instantly better. These are the days that make me thankful for just being alive. The blue sky is always there it’s just hidden from sight sometimes today it’s saying hello to my part of the world, I hope it’s out where you are too.

My days are about 90% positive perhaps 95% . The negativity slips in like an unwelcomed stranger into your home when you are not expecting it. It never outstays it’s welcome and is soon shown out by the positivity that permenantly lives with me inside the safe home that I have built for it. I smile to myself as I can visibly see the negativity being escorted out.

It can be so easy to let the negativity become overwhelming, sometimes I feel it’s one thing after another. My knee hurts today , it’s like my knee cap is the drum and Phil Collins is playing I can feel it in the air tonight, come on Phil give it your best. Bang bang he goes on my knee as he hits that most brilliant drum solo which has always blown my mind and made me on numerous occasions play the solo  air drums, my own imaginary sticks a blur in the air. Negativity is afterall just a thought,what if I chose to not have that thought. Today I decide to not have the negative thoughts, I look and observe them and see them for what they really are just clouds in my mind. I ask them kindly to go away and they do, silently drifting off, I wait for a new thought to take over, oh good it’s a positive one this time, I decide to follow it and see where it goes. Following good thoughts is highly recommended, it’s one of the top rules in the book of positivity. Always follow your positive thoughts, they are like dreams that take you down unknown pathways in life, they open up all kinds of possibilities and guide you towards a better place where happiness lives . You need a quiet mind, take a few breathes and wait for the thought, be patient you might have to ignore some negative ones for a while, don’t be tempted to listen to what they have to say, just politely ignore them, they mean nothing and are often telling you lies in order to get you engaged. Here comes a positive one, that’s good now hold on to it and follow it to wherever it may go.

We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.

– Swami Vivekananda

Speak soon

Love Woody ❤️